


sergeant on duty

by harold_theyrelesbians



Series: Family Matters [1]
Category: Happy Valley (TV), Last Tango In Halifax
Genre: Domestic Violence, Eddie is a dick, F/F, catherine cawood knows this, catherine is caroline's cousin, everyone needs a caroline especially if your name is gillian, gillian needs a lot of hugs, robbie also isn't nice in this sorry
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-16
Updated: 2020-04-15
Packaged: 2021-02-28 23:08:03
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 20
Words: 23,339
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23175187
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/harold_theyrelesbians/pseuds/harold_theyrelesbians
Summary: “Do you know a Sergeant Cawood?” Gillian asked suddenly, her curiosity getting the better of her.“Have many run ins with the law do you?” Caroline raised a perfect eyebrow, glancing down her nose.Gillian bit back another insult, and clenched her fists.(aka Gillian and Catherine are friends, Caroline and Catherine are cousins, and Gillian and Caroline are in denial.. until they aren't)(tw: references/descriptions of Gillian's abuse)
Relationships: Gillian Greenwood/Caroline McKenzie-Dawson
Series: Family Matters [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1704064
Comments: 75
Kudos: 114





	1. Chapter 1

Sergeant Catherine Cawood ran a hand over her face with a sigh. After years of training and climbing up the ranks, she was getting sick of chasing escaped sheep. Not even half way through her shift, and she was already exhausted. She’d been up most of the night arguing with Becky again. 

The drive up to the farm seemed to last forever, her wheels bumping on the uneven ground. She’d had dealings with Eddie Greenwood before (he’d often be down the pub throwing his fists about), which didn’t fill her with optimism about another encounter. Especially since she had to inform him his sheep had been knocked down.

All too quickly she pulled into the yard in front of the house. Stepping out, the wind whipped at her face, reminding her of how exposed it was up here. Something felt very raw.

As she rapped on the door she braced herself for another one of Eddie’s rants. The door opened cautiously (Eddie would’ve swung it) to reveal Eddie’s wife instead. Catherine hadn’t heard much about the wife. On first glance she looked very small, but Catherine could see a spark of defiance in the woman’s eyes. She also noticed how she seemed to be leaning heavily on the door, with a grimace that seemed alarmingly used to hiding pain.

“Afternoon officer, what can I do for you?” The woman asked, breaking Catherine out of her observations.

Catherine bit back an _it’s sergeant actually,_ and introduced herself to the woman.

_Gillian Greenwood._

Catherine shook her hand, and was surprised to be invited in and offered tea. This woman ( _Gillian)_ was the polar opposite of Eddie. 

They sat opposite each other at the table, hands clasping mugs of tea. 

“Is your husband around Mrs Greenwood?” Catherine asked, observing the slight jump in Gillian’s shoulders.

“He’s - uh - probably down the pub.” She replied, tightening her grip on her mug.

“Right, well. Were you aware that some of your sheep were missing?” Catherine continued.

“Uh, yeah. He said - Eddie - that he were going out to look.” Gillian murmured, her eyes fixed down at the table.

“But you believe he’s down the pub?” Catherine commented, raising an eyebrow.

Gillian remained silent.

“Okay. I’m sorry to have to inform you, but we believe your sheep were knocked down earlier today.” 

_Eddie’s sheep. Not mine._

“Right.” Gillian replied, knuckles turning white.

Catherine observed Gillian, who looked as if she were longing to say something more.

“Gillian!” Came a muffled, angry shout from outside.

Catherine saw how Gillian closed her eyes at her husband’s voice. 

“Eddie’s back.” Fell softly from Gillian’s lips.

Catherine suppressed a sigh as Eddie Greenwood slammed the door open and threw himself into the house. He swayed on his feet, and let out a snarl as he saw them both.

“Afternoon Cawood, to what do I owe this pleasure?” He slurred, not looking at Gillian.

Gillian had stood silently, and moved towards the sink. Catherine saw the way her hands gripped the bench.

“I’m here about your sheep, Mr Greenwood.” She replied, aware of the rising tension in the room.

“Find ‘em did you?” He glared at her.

“I’m afraid they’ve been knocked down sir.” She said slowly, unblinking.

Eddie absorbed this information, and slammed his hand on the bench. Gillian flinched.

Catherine left soon after, frustrated and powerless.

She mentioned it to her boss, though she had no proof. Catherine knew what men like Eddie were capable of.

-

The next time she saw Gillian, it was a couple of months later. Catherine had wanted to keep an eye on things, but had been advised not to aggravate Eddie Greenwood. _It wouldn’t be police business until it was too late._

She was off-duty, waiting alone in a cafe where she should have been meeting her sister. (Clare was late)

Clare was always late recently, and always smelled of booze. Catherine felt powerless to help her too. 

It was drizzling outside. Catherine watched people hurry by.

A throat cleared awkwardly in front of her, and there was Gillian.

“Oh, hello Gillian.” Catherine said warmly, as Gillian stood, unsure. Her hands clenched into soaked sleeves.

“I’ve only got a bit of time. I’ve got to pick our Raff up from school. But I saw you and I thought I’d just say hello..” Gillian began to ramble. Catherine smiled, Gillian reminded her of Clare.

“You can join me, if you want.” Catherine gently eased her way into Gillian’s rambling.

Gillian smiled, properly.

-

Catherine gave Gillian her number. They kept in touch. Catherine was the only friend Gillian had. _Eddie could never know._

_-_

Catherine wished she’d done more, when reports came in about an incident on the farm.

She didn’t feel ashamed at all at her relief when she heard it was Eddie in the ambulance, not Gillian. 

-

Years later, Gillian’s sheep escaped again. That bloody giraffe on the barn.

Cheryl had smirked as she stepped out of her police car. She took her time, placing her hat carefully on her head.

They flung a few insults at each other. 

"It's a good job it's me on duty and not Sergeant Cawood, because she'd rip your spleen out through your nose for speaking to a police officer like that.” Cheryl bit back at her.

Gillian grinned.

“I’m not so sure about that Cheryl.”


	2. Chapter 2

The first time Gillian met Caroline, she was very confused.

_That definitely wasn’t Catherine._

She was worried about her dad, and cut off some posh woman trying to steal her parking space. Once they’d both hurried to find their respective parent, Gillian found herself staring at the other woman.

“I see you’ve met my daughter, Caroline.” The woman her dad was meeting said. _Celia._

Caroline was sharp, in a different way to Catherine. This woman was precise, and intimidating. Catherine could also be intimidating, but this was a more aloof and refined kind. 

“Do you know a Sergeant Cawood?” Gillian asked suddenly, her curiosity getting the better of her.

“Have many run ins with the law do you?” Caroline raised a perfect eyebrow, glancing down her nose.

Gillian bit back another insult, and clenched her fists.

“They’re cousins, her and Catherine.” Celia supplied, taking pity on Gillian.

“Oh.” Gillian replied, her thoughts swirling. 

Raff appeared behind her, clasping his hand on her shoulder and demanding to know all about his grandad’s new woman. Gillian let the chatting wash over her. She couldn’t think about Catherine without Eddie entering her thoughts. She excused herself, all but running to find the toilet.

Celia glared at Caroline after Gillian disappeared, making her daughter sigh.

“How does mum know that Cawood?” Raff asked suddenly.

_It’s Sergeant actually._ Her cousin’s voice echoed somewhere in the back Caroline’s skull. It had been a long time since they’d crossed paths.

“It were when your dad…” Alan began, breaking off as Raff’s grin dropped at the mention of his father.

There was another pause. Caroline cleared her throat, and found herself going after Gillian to the bathroom.

-

She found Gillian gripping the sink. Her eyes were closed and messy bits of hair escaping from her ponytail framed her face. Caroline suddenly realised that this woman was beautiful. She pushed the thought from her mind.

Letting the door creak gently to alert the other woman to her presence, Caroline watched the way Gillian jumped up to regain her (rather limited) composure.

“I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to offend.” Caroline began, her tone as clinical and precise as her movements. 

Gillian knew that wasn’t true. She let out a strangled sort of laugh, her shoulders still tense.

“Y - you look so much like her.” Gillian murmured softly.

“Yes, I’ve been told.” Caroline tried not to snap, softening her tone for fear of upsetting this woman again.

_Why would it matter if I did upset her?_

“She helped me through some shit, that’s all.” 

Caroline wasn’t sure why this woman’s decision to swear brought her such a thrill of excitement.

“You don’t have to tell me, if you don’t want to.” Caroline found herself saying.

The air hung thickly between them. 

“We should probably get back, they’ve got news apparently, me dad and.. your mum.” Gillian broke the silence, pulling away from the sink and walking past Caroline without tasing her eyes from the floor.

Caroline walked out after her, ignoring the various looks of confusion in different degrees sent their way. She felt a strange anger at Alan as he observed Gillian as if she were on the verge of falling to pieces before his eyes.

“So what’s your news then?” Gillian said loudly with a grin that didn’t fool anyone.

Celia and Alan looked at each other for a moment.

“We’re getting married.”


	3. Chapter 3

The third time Catherine saw Gillian was at Raff’s school. It was a couple of weeks after the sheep had gone missing. 

Catherine had been asked to do a talk to the children on road safety, and she was wondering what she’d done to deserve it. Her eyes scanned the room, which was filled with bored children who’d rather be outside. Some of them had fallen asleep, not that she could blame them. 

A couple of parents had attended too, and were watching her with glazed eyes from the back. She didn’t recognise any of them, which was probably a good thing.

After she was finished, she grit her teeth and chatted to a few of the parents. She shook some hands, and attempted (not very successfully) to make polite conversation. After an appropriate amount of time, she gave up and left. Sneaking out in her very visible uniform was quite difficult, but Catherine wasn’t one for subtlety. 

As she neared the school gates, she spotted a familiar form. Gillian was stood, presumably waiting for Raff to finish. She’d been at the back of Catherine’s mind since they’d talked over a mug of tea. Making her way over, she smiled as she saw Gillian wince a little at the brightness of her uniform jacket. She was very reflective.

“Hello Catherine.” Gillian surprised her by initiating the conversation.

“Hi Gillian, how’re things?” Catherine answered, frowning slightly as Gillian rubbed at her wrists absent-mindedly.

“Good, yeah. Things are okay.” Gillian mumbled, looking unconvinced at the truthfulness of her words.

Catherine talked with her for a little while longer, ignoring the curious glances from the other parents. Gillian paid them no mind either.

The bell rang, releasing children running in every direction. Gillian’s smile became more believable as her eyes searched for Raff in the blurry stream headed towards them.

“Mummy!”

Gillian braced for impact as Raff leapt into her arms, Catherine observed the bruises visible on Gillian’s wrists as her sleeves moved. _She had to do something._

She said a quick hello to Raff, who seemed a bit suspicious of her, then she left with Gillian still on her mind. Something needed to be done, but she couldn’t do much if Gillian didn’t report her husband. 

_It’s a civil matter Catherine._ The words of her boss pulsed through her brain.

_We can’t intervene._

-

Catherine tried, over the next few months and years. She gave Gillian numbers to call and groups to attend. Gillian refused, too aware of what Eddie would notice. She couldn’t afford to change any pattern in her life. 

Catherine tried to get Gillian to talk to her parents. _She needed someone._ She implied that her father had suspicions she wasn’t in a happy marriage, but he wasn’t likely to do anything other than worry about her. 

Years passed, and all Catherine could do was keep an eye out. 

Clare stopped drinking. Becky was getting into more trouble, keeping Catherine on edge every night. She never knew if her daughter would be coming home. 

Gillian stayed at the back of Catherine’s mind though. Every time there was a report of domestic violence or anything of the sort, her thoughts jumped to Gillian. She was always relieved when it wasn’t Gillian.

Until the day it was.

-

“There’s been an incident, up at Eddie Greenwood’s farm.” 

Catherine clenched her fists, waiting for more information.

Blue lights lit up the house and the barn, flashing in the fog. 

Catherine saw Gillian sitting hunched on the wall, surrounded by multiple figures. Her father was hovering over her, looking very pale. Gillian herself was staring at the gravel beneath her feet.

As Catherine approached, she ordered the other officers to secure the scene and let her stay with Gillian. 

“Gillian? It’s Catherine.” She said gently, her eyes locking with Gillian’s father who seemed to know who she was. Perhaps Gillian had been talking to him after all.

“Is Raff okay? Is he inside?” She continued to probe.

“I’ll go check on him.” Gillian’s father ( _Alan)_ decided, shuffling on his feet awkwardly for a moment, before heading back towards the house.

Catherine sat beside Gillian, whose eyes still remained fixed to the ground.

“Gillian, can you look at me?”

Wide eyes suddenly darted to her face. 

“Okay, can you tell me what happened?”

Gillian’s eyes fell back to the ground.

“I found him.” She said, surprising Catherine with the strength of her voice.

“I found him like that.” Gillian repeated, hands gripping the wall.

Catherine remained silent, watching Gillian’s knuckles turn white.

“He was drunk again.” Gillian said firmly.

“He was like that when I found him.”


	4. Chapter 4

After Eddie’s death, Gillian was put through hell. Robbie made sure she was investigated thoroughly, and Catherine was taken off the case.

Catherine had had nothing against Robbie Greenwood, until he went around insisting that Gillian had murdered his brother to anyone that would listen. Even when the inquiry concluded it was suicide, he still maintained his theory. He was more like his brother than people realised.

_Murdering bitch._

Catherine went to visit Gillian ever day after it happened. She couldn’t help but notice the tenseness of Gillian’s shoulders was a little less, the lines of her face seemed a little less deep. Catherine didn’t comment on it, but she was never sure if Eddie’s death had been suicide. 

He was an awful, violent man. Whatever happened that night, Catherine was Gillian’s friend. She convinced herself she wasn’t on the case so it didn’t matter. Gillian was free of him now, or so she thought.

Physical scars healed, but the pain he caused ran deeper than that. Even after a few months, Catherine kept visiting. She noticed that Gillian was still on edge, which wasn’t surprising. Gillian flinched at almost every noise, and kept her eyes glued to the door. As if she were expecting him to barge through at any moment, swaying on his feet and slamming his fists.

Catherine tried to talk to Alan, to see how much support he was giving her. Gillian’s mother had died recently, leaving Alan alone. He seemed lost without his wife, and unable to comprehend how to help Gillian through anything. The only thing he knew how to do was to give her money towards the farm and then resent her for it. 

As the months slipped on, Gillian became sharper. There was a darkness in her eyes Catherine had helplessly watched develop. She became more defensive, _more of a handful_ according to her father. She seemed lost, powerless to the whim of some internal conflict.

Catherine heard the rumours about Gillian’s new reputation. 

_That Gillian would shag anything with a pulse._

Gillian stopped seeing her for coffee.

Catherine’s daughter died, and nothing else mattered after that. As bad as it sounds. She was too busy destroying her own family to check in on Gillian.

Clare moved in. Helping Catherine to bring up the grandson that was a daily reminder of her daughter’s suffering. She gritted her teeth and carried on going, Gillian sometimes slipping into the back of her mind.

-

_Caroline wasn’t all that bad._ Gillian might’ve misjudged her (maybe), not that she’d ever admit it. They seemed to be friends now, since their parents had married each other.

Gillian had shared her deepest secret with Caroline, so there was no going back now.

_I murdered him._ She’d been drunk. That was an old excuse for stupid things. She’d obviously needed to tell someone, it was eating at her insides. Now she’d burdened Caroline with it.

_But Caroline was still here._

Marrying Robbie had been a mistake, she knew that before she’d even done it. She should have listened to Caroline. Sometimes she finds herself getting distracted by Caroline’s lips when she’s talking, so that can’t completely be her fault.

Her marriage to Robbie is still limping on, mostly because of Gillian’s guilt. She’s not sure why he married her. At least she had a reason, _even if it was a really shitty one._ Gillian had had a fleeting thought on her wedding day, which she had instantly pushed to the pit of her stomach (it was too complicated).

Caroline had come to get her, as soon as Gillian saw her she’d wished she was marrying Caroline instead. _That wasn’t something she should be thinking about._ She thought about it anyway.

She was thinking about it now, as she watches Robbie shouting at her from across the kitchen. Caroline’s attractiveness skyrocketed when she was angry, Robbie’s anger reminded her of his brother. They have the same eyes, which doesn’t help. She’s not sure why they’re arguing, but it’s probably her fault. She knows she drives him up the wall, but he’s not much better. _God, she should’ve married Caroline._ (as if Caroline would ever have her)

Robbie flings a plate at her, and it freezes her to her bones. She winces as it shatters by behind her head. Their marriage is over. 

She all but flees the house, as he shouts after her. Before she knows it, she’s outside Caroline’s door. She doesn’t remember how she got there, but her land rover is parked next to Caroline’s jeep. She realises she’s crying.

Caroline opens the door before she’s even raised her fist to knock. She takes in Gillian’s appearance and looks as if she’s about to make a comment with humour dancing in her eyes, until she notices Gillian properly.

Gillian knows she must look a state, but her brain turned Robbie into Eddie and she’s had a shitty day. Caroline puts a gentle hand on her arm and she realises she’s shivering. Gillian also realises she left without a coat, and no shoes, running straight into a downpour.

There’s something complicated in Caroline’s eyes that makes her hesitate before wrapping her arms around Gillian’s trembling form and pulling her inside.

Gillian stumbles over the doorstep into the warmth of Caroline’s arms.


	5. Chapter 5

Caroline was staring into the fire with a glass of wine in her hand when she heard Gillian’s land rover in the driveway. It was the spluttering engine that gave her away.

She headed towards the door quickly, mindful of the rain pattering against her window (and of the possible reasons Gillian might’ve come over for without notice). Swinging open the door, she’s hit by a gust of cold wind invading the warmth of her living room. Then she’s hit by the full force of Gillian almost flinging herself into Caroline’s arms. She didn’t get a proper look at Gillian, but what she saw made her stomach churn.

She wrapped her arms around Gillian’s form, hoping it was only the cold that was making the other woman tremble. Gillian seemed to welcome her touch, which was something. She guided her towards the fire gently, neither woman speaking. Caroline found there didn’t seem a need for words, at least not yet.

The fire seemed to return Gillian to her body a little, as she blinked up at Caroline as if she didn’t quite believe she was there. Caroline had found her a blanket and placed a mug of tea in her hands. As she had been placing the blanket around the other woman’s shoulders, Caroline noticed a small trickle of blood escaping into the hairline at the side of Gillian’s face. She tried not to clench her fists as rage ignited in her stomach. She didn’t want to alarm Gillian.

Caroline sat quietly opposite Gillian, trying to give her a little space. She took the time to (subtly) take Gillian in, observing every tremble of her form. Gillian was too absorbed in the tea in her hands to notice Caroline’s gaze. She seemed to be trembling all the way to her fingertips. _She’s not wearing her wedding ring._

Caroline looked down at the carpet, and noticed Gillian had bare feet. _Had she driven here with no shoes?_ Gillian’s eyes suddenly snapped to hers, noticing the increased distance Caroline had given her. Her eyes filled with something else, and Caroline knew she wanted her company. 

She rose up gently from the sofa opposite Gillian, ignoring her discarded glass of wine on the table. Holding her breath, she sat down as close to Gillian as she dared. Her breath escaped through clenched teeth as Gillian leaned closer into her.

“I’m sorry.” Gillian mumbled, her own voice sounding foreign.

Caroline was a little startled to hear Gillian break their silence.

“Do you want to tell me?” She probed gently, aware of the hammering of Gillian’s pulse against her skin.

Gillian let out a sigh and closed her eyes. 

“I can’t stay with _him.”_

Her voice trembled on the last word, telling Caroline all she needed to know. She pulled Gillian closer, and stroked an unsure hand over her hair. With no protests from Gillian, she continued the action. It seemed to calm them both.

“Did he hurt you?” Caroline tried not to sound angry. 

Silent tears spilled down Gillian’s cheeks, and Caroline felt herself fighting against her own.

Another long moment of silence passed between them. Caroline suppressed the urge to drive up the farm and punch Robbie in the face, that probably wouldn’t help. Gillian shifted slightly in her arms, her breathing growing more steady by the minute. Caroline listened to her breaths, trying not to focus on the way Gillian’s lips moved with each one. _Definitely not the time._

_“S_ hould’ve married you.” Gillian murmured, before falling asleep on Caroline’s shoulder.

Caroline blinked. _Oh._

She turned to reply but was greeted only by Gillian’s sleeping form. The tenseness in her stomach dissolved, as she marvelled at the tranquility of Gillian’s face. 

She was a little bit stuck now.

-

Caroline’s eyes flew open at the sound of someone hammering at the door. She realised she must’ve fallen asleep too. _With Gillian basically in her arms._

Her movements had woken Gillian too, whose eyes flew open in alarm. The thudding on the door wasn’t helping. Caroline comforted her gently, before heading to answer the door. A small part of her hoped it was Robbie, so she could smack him. She didn’t want to Gillian to ever have to face him again though. _He wasn’t worth it, and she was worth so much more._

With a slightly feigned amount of confidence, she opened the door to her second surprise visitor of the night.

“Hello, Caroline.”

Caroline blinked, wincing slightly at the reflectiveness of her cousin’s uniform.

“Hello, Catherine.”


	6. Chapter 6

Caroline observed the almost concealed panic on her cousin’s face. Catherine saw the slight tremble in her cousin’s hands. Both cousins paused for a moment, before realising in the same instant the cause of their respective panic was the same.

_Gillian._

Gillian had moved to the floor again, with her knees pulled up to her chest. Wide eyes frozen at the murmurings from the door.

“She’s here, isn’t she?” Catherine asked softly, her relief clear.

“Yes. She turned up in a bit of a state.. to put it lightly. I’m not sure what happened, something with Robbie again.” Caroline replied, cautious to reveal too much to her estranged cousin.

“Raff rang. The house was empty, smashed plates and blood in the kitchen.” Catherine stated, almost clinically. Caroline felt the urge to remind her she was not running one of her briefings.

_I’ve shed blood in every room of this house._

Caroline’s heart broke for Raff too, she could never tell how aware he was of his father’s true nature. He had wanted his mother to be happy, and thought Robbie was the answer. 

Caroline led Catherine into the living room, making enough noise to alert Gillian to their presence without startling her.

Catherine heard Caroline force a deep breath through a clenched jaw. It had been dark when Gillian had turned up, the daylight seemed to magnify everything. Every small bruise had blossomed, even the hollowness of her eyes seemed to have deepened. Caroline had tried to clean the blood from Gillian’s face the night before, but could still see patches escaping into her hairline. 

Catherine was also struggling. The sight before her echoed so clearly what she had seen up at the farm all those years ago. She’d failed Gillian again. 

“Hello Gillian, it’s Catherine.” 

_That’s probably even what she said last time too._

A prolonged silenced stretched between them. The sunlight poured through Caroline’s window and bounced off Catherine’s reflective jacket. She decided to take it off before blinding anyone.

“We’ve got to stop m-meeting like this.” The words slowly tumbled from Gillian’s lips.

Catherine smiled gently. Caroline went to make tea, turning away to hide the silent tears threatening to escape.

Catherine approached quietly, easing herself down to join Gillian on the floor in front of the sofa. She’d hoped to not be in this position with Gillian again. She waited for Gillian to talk first.

“I’m sorry.” Gillian whispered. Catherine tried not to clench her fists.

She shifted slightly, moving so she was facing Gillian. 

“Gillian. Look at me. Please, Gillian… You have nothing to apologise for, remember?”

_They’d been in this position before too._

Gillian nodded, moving her eyes away again. Catherine wasn’t very convinced. She winced slightly, her knees creaking in protest.

“I think we’re getting a bit old for sitting on the floor.” Catherine moved onto the sofa.

Gillian joined her there, after a moment. She sat frozen still, staring at her hands.

Caroline returned with mugs of tea, relieved to see Gillian had made it off the floor. The tears she’d thought were vanquished threatened to return at Gillian’s next words.

“Those plates he broke.. _they were me mum’s_ …” Gillian’s voice wavered.

-

Catherine wasn’t surprised that Gillian refused to report Robbie. As always, it was complicated. It didn’t make her any less angry though. 

Her shift was starting soon. She didn’t want to leave Gillian, but she realised that Gillian finally had someone. As she put her jacket on, she saw the way Caroline looked at Gillian, and how impossibly gently she put her arms around her. Catherine had never seen Caroline like that with anyone.

Gillian deserved someone caring, maybe she’d finally found it. 

Catherine made eye contact with her cousin, and Caroline rose to walk her out. 

“Thank you, for coming to check on her.” Caroline murmured, once they were out of Gillian’s earshot.

_I’ve failed her again._ Catherine wanted to say. 

Instead, she nodded and placed a hand on Caroline’s arm.

“I’m glad she has you this time, she’ll really need someone.”

“She’ll always have me.” Caroline whispered, and Catherine bit her lip to suppress a smile.

Catherine looked at her again, and realised how much she’d missed her cousin. The look on Caroline’s face suggested something similar, and much more complicated. Catherine wanted to say something more. _I’m sorry about your Becky._ She didn’t know how.

“How’s Clare?” She says instead.

“Better, actually. She’s living with me, stopped drinking. She’s doing okay.” 

They’re both aware of the subject they’re avoiding.

“How’s Celia?” Catherine asks. 

Celia was complicated, and never seemed interested in her or Clare. She couldn’t cope with all the drama apparently. 

_Always getting yourselves into trouble! Disgraceful, what would your mother think?_

“She’s _fine,_ her and Alan are doing fine. You’ve met Alan?” Caroline smiles, aware of her cousin’s (lack of a) relationship with Celia.

“Yeah, I’ve met Alan.” 

Caroline frowns at the weariness of her cousin’s tone at the mention of Gillian’s father, before the penny drops. _It would’ve been that night, on the farm._

_“_ She’ll be here soon, my mother. Just to warn you.” Caroline states, biting back a laugh at the way Catherine almost bolts to the door.

“I can’t be doing with her today!” Catherine shouts over her shoulder, climbing into her car and pulling away just as Celia pulls up.

Caroline sighs. The last thing Gillian needs is Celia poking about. She decides to brief her mother on the situation, standing outside the door.

Celia takes her time, throwing a sharp look at Caroline which seems to be an impressive mixture of concern, confusion and judgement. She’s meant to have Flora with her, but seems to have left her at home which makes Caroline panic a little. 

“Was that Catherine? Alan’s been worried sick, and Raff. What’s happened? I’ve left Flora with them.” Celia asks, thankfully keeping her voice low.

“Something happened between Gillian and Robbie last night. She turned up here.”

“ _Something?_ What do you mean something?

“Mum, I can’t really go into it. It’s Gillian’s business.”

“Did he hurt her?” Something dark lingers in Celia’s expression, surprising her daughter.

“Yes.” Caroline doesn’t want to elaborate.

“ _So he’s just like his brother then_.” Celia says before she can stop herself.

Caroline sighs. 

_Of course Alan would’ve told Celia all the gory details about Gillian’s marriage to Eddie._

She’s not sure how much Alan actually knows, let alone how much he’s told Celia.

“Can I come in, love? Just to check on her?” Celia surprises her again by asking.

Caroline hesitates, before reluctantly letting her mother in.


	7. Chapter 7

Caroline walks back into the living room, with her mother close at her heels. Gillian looks up when they both enter, shrinking slightly back into herself at Celia’s presence. Caroline hears her mother muffle a gasp as she sees Gillian.

“Hello love.” Celia ventures cautiously, watching Gillian’s right knee pump up and down.

Caroline watched the movement too. It gave her a strange sense of comfort, watching Gillian’s familiar mannerisms returning. She sensed her mother wanted to talk to Gillian alone, but leaving her now felt like it would be a betrayal. So she stayed.

Celia began to chat, the words floating around but not quite reaching Gillian. She was glad of the noise anyway, even if she couldn’t concentrate on the contents. It was a welcome distraction from herself. 

“How’s Catherine doing?” Celia asked Caroline after a while, noting the distant look in Gillian’s eyes.

“Okay, I think. She was asking after you as well.” Caroline replied, wary of her mother’s complicated relationship with her nieces. 

“That’s kind of her. She’s been through a lot, you know. It doesn’t bear thinking about.” Celia carried on, filling the gaps in the air.

Caroline bit her tongue.

“I didn’t know she knew you, Gillian.” Celia added. Gillian winced and Caroline closed her eyes.

“Yeah, she - she’s helped me before. She’s a good friend.. or she was..” Gillian stammered, hunching her shoulders and hoping Celia wouldn’t ask her to elaborate. 

Celia seemed satisfied, and moved on.

Gillian’s knee stopped bouncing, after a while. Caroline found herself observing Gillian’s legs for a little too long. _Definitely not the time._

“Is Raff okay?” Gillian dared to ask, her heart resuming its hammering. Celia looked at Gillian softly, noticing her clenched fists.

She put her hands over Gillian’s gently, and felt relieved when she didn’t pull away at the contact. Clenched fists uncurled slowly, revealing marks where Gillian’s nails had dug into her skin.

“He’s fine, he’s at ours with Ellie and Calamity. _Worried about you_ , but fine.” Celia assured her.

Caroline seemed to anticipate another apology forming on Gillian’s lips.

“ _Gillian,_ you’ve nothing to apologise for, remember?” 

Celia nodded in agreement. It had been a while since she and her mother had actually agreed on anything. Silence resumed and they drank their tea.

-

Both Gillian and Caroline breathed a sigh of relief as Celia left.

Caroline had walked her mother to the door, assuring her Gillian was in safe hands. Celia offered to look after Flora for the rest of the day. _Caroline could focus on Gillian._

She walked back into the living room, finding Gillian in the same spot on the sofa. The hollowness of her eyes seemed to have reduced. They were slightly closer to their usual sharpness. Caroline had often been drawn in by Gillian’s eyes.

After a moment of wavering, she sat back down. They were sitting so close their arms seemed melded together. Caroline didn’t miss the way Gillian leaned into her touch. Maybe she imagined it.

“I want to tell you.” Gillian said firmly.

“Are you sure?” 

Gillian sighed, and Caroline’s hands found their way to Gillian’s. Fingertips brushed gently over palms.

“He was so angry, _mad._ In my head he looked so much like Eddie, I’ve n-never seem ‘im like that. It were just me and him though, everyone else were out. I were going on at him, ‘bout something. Can’t remember what, something _stupid and pointless._ He never raises his voice, barely ever. Suddenly he’s shouting, and there’s - there’s this _look_ in his eyes…” Gillian broke off, gripping Caroline’s hands in her own.

Caroline stayed quiet, trying to give Gillian space to continue.

“It were like Eddie was _there,_ he weren’t Robbie at all. I couldn’t tell the difference. And he starts saying all this stuff, like _this is what you do, you drive men mad._ I’ve drove him mad like I did Eddie. That’s what he said, _you need your head examining.”_

Gillian paused for breath, and Caroline tried to stop her own hands from shaking.

“Then, it was like something clicked in his head. He lunged for me.. and - ”

Gillian broke off again, leaning deeper into Caroline’s side. Caroline holds her tight, fury igniting within her.

_Gillian deserved so much more._


	8. Chapter 8

After she left Caroline’s, Celia sat in her car and felt like crying.

No tears fell, which made her feel worse. She had no idea what to say to Alan, who was waiting anxiously at home. Raff was there too, and Ellie. And Calamity. And Flora. Poor Alan would probably be getting overwhelmed. 

She would let Caroline and Gillian have this day, everything else could wait.

-

Gillian survived the day. Caroline helped her, that day and every day that followed. Months passed, and things returned to normal _mostly_.

Gillian isn’t sure what happened to Robbie, apparently he decided to take early retirement. _Catherine might’ve had something to do with that._ He was in Canada now, divorce papers in the post. She tried not to think about him, but echoes of him (and Eddie) still lingered in dark corners.

The house felt strange again, like it had after Eddie’s death. It didn’t feel like hers, but it definitely wasn’t _his._

She spent even more time out on the farm, letting the wind whip at her face. Out there she was exposed, but not in a way any man had control over. This was hers.

Her father often lingered, standing in the kitchen watching her. He was probably waiting for her to crumble again, she felt strangely unwilling to give him the satisfaction. He’d never been good with her emotions. _She’s a bit of a handful, our Gillian._ She’s not sure how he copes with Celia’s moods.

She’s fixing a fence, the burning in her arms a welcome feeling. Hearing a car, her heart begins to thud without her permission. She turns, and a smile spreads slowly across her lips. Wiping her hands on her overalls, she watches Caroline’s jeep navigate the twists and dips of the track up to the farm. Gillian hadn’t realised the time, Caroline had started picking Calamity and Flora up from school every day. _She comes to see Gillian every day._

Gillian’s stomach curls, thinking of what Caroline does for her with no complaints. Surprising everyone, she’d taken time off to help Gillian. The lack of comments from Celia suggested they had had negotiations, Gillian felt more uncomfortable as a result. Nothing felt normal if Celia wasn’t making jibes and tutting occasionally. 

Giving the fence one last thunk, Gillian picks up her tools and heads over to the house. Caroline steps out, swapping her heels for more suitable shoes as she always did. Gillian tries not to get lost in the curve of Caroline’s leg as she adjusts her wardrobe appropriately. She’s still a distance away, so thankfully has time to recover herself. 

She can’t remember when she realised the depth of her feelings for Caroline. It’s getting to be a bit of a problem though. _She’d never feel the same way, would she?_

Her boots slip in the mud as she makes her way across the field, reminding her to concentrate on not making an idiot of herself for once. It wouldn’t be the first time she’d fallen in the mud after being distracted by Caroline’s legs. She sighs, as Flora and Calamity run inside and Caroline waits for her.

She makes it to the yard with no mud-related incidents, though she’s somehow covered anyway. For a moment, she considers splattering Caroline’s impossibly sharp and clean outfit. She decides against it.

Caroline watches her as she chucks the tools in the barn, spending as little time in it as possible. 

“Hello Gillian.” She says, as Gillian joins her by the jeep.

“Hiya Caz, fancy a brew?” Dazzling Caroline with her signature grin.

Caroline nods, watching Gillian’s hands swing either side of her hips as she follows her into the house. Gillian carries a lot of strength in those hands.

“How was your day?” Gillian asks her, once they’re settled at the table.

Gillian relaxes as Caroline’s voice rumbles on, absorbing her with a reassuring warmth. She glances down at their hands, unbearably close as they both clutch mugs of tea. Caroline tells her about Celia’s latest curtain-related crisis, and her need for a new kitchen. Gillian nods in all the right places, laughing gently at what her father got himself into with Celia. It always surprises her how different Celia is to Gillian’s mother. 

Gillian’s hand grips her mug tighter, and she swallows. _She shouldn’t have thought of her mother._

Thinking of her mother makes her think of the plates thrown at her head, _her mother’s plates._

“Gillian?” Caroline notices her change.

There’s something in Gillian’s eyes that thankfully she hasn’t seen for a while. As she calls Gillian’s name again, it seems to disappear.

“Sorry, I - I was thinking of me mum… and then…” Gillian doesn’t need to finish, Caroline knows her.

“It’s your mother’s birthday this week, isn’t it?” Caroline takes the plunge and moves her hands to cover Gillian’s.

“Yeah. I was gonna go see her, but _he’s_ there too. Last time I couldn’t - ” She breaks off again, focusing on the way Caroline’s hands feel on hers.

“I could come with you, if you want?” 

Gillian looked at Caroline with a sincerity and appreciation that made Caroline thankful she was sitting down.

“Thanks Caz.” She said after a while, her eyes communicating what her words couldn’t.

Caroline gulped. _Does she feel the same way?_


	9. Chapter 9

It wasn’t that Catherine was avoiding her cousin, she just intended to give her and Gillian some space. _Maybe a bit too much space._ It had been months.

Clare had suggested she should pop round to Caroline’s, or at least give her a ring. Maybe she could tell that Catherine still felt guilty. She’d seen the way Gillian’s eyes had changed when Catherine had come to check on her that night. In her uniform, Catherine served as a painful reminder of Eddie and what happened. Gillian tried to hide it, but Catherine could see. She didn’t blame Gillian for her reaction, it wouldn’t be the first time.

Catherine sighed, returning Clare’s glare with her own. 

“Maybe.” She replied unconvincingly, chair legs scraping as she rose.

-

“There’s been sheep escaped Gillian Greenwood’s farm again.” Someone shouted after Catherine as soon as she entered the station.

“Anyone up there yet?” Catherine replied.

“Yeah, Cheryl volunteered.”

“Cheryl? _Bloody hell..”_ Catherine grabbed her jacket.

Anyone with ears knew about Cheryl’s grudge against Gillian. Catherine thought it was ridiculous, especially knowing what Robbie had done that night. 

Catherine rubs weary hands over her face, preparing for a long afternoon. She makes it quickly up the track, parking behind Cheryl next to the gate. The shouting (bickering) of the two women reaches her ears before she’s even left the car. She sighs again, and grabs her hat.

Cheryl hasn’t noticed her pull up, which strikes her as not being very observant for a police officer.

_“It’s a good job it’s me on duty and not Sergeant Cawood, because she’d rip your spleen out through your nose for speaking to a police officer like that.”_

Catherine bit back a snort, just as Gillian makes eye contact and grins.

“I’m not so sure about that Cheryl. Hiya Catherine.”

Gillian wishes she could see the look on Cheryl’s face as she freezes and turns to face her sergeant. She lets Cheryl splutter, deciding instead to focus on the mud around her boots. Her eyes flicker over the empty fields. _No Eddie to punish her for losing sheep this time._ It wasn’t her fault that time either.

“Cheryl. Stop harassing Gillian, and get yourself down into the village to _help_ with the sheep.” Catherine spoke firmly, no trace of the smile she was suppressing. She was good at emotionless. 

Cheryl looked like she wanted to argue, but soon relented under the Sergeant Cawood glare.

Catherine moved over to Gillian, her eyes flickering over to the teenagers sitting (looking confused) in the front of the land rover. She could tell Gillian’s thoughts were swirling, she looked overwhelmed.

“Gate was left open. Bloody idiots _gawping_ at the s-stupid barn..” Gillian breaks off, and leans with her hands on her knees.

Catherine places a gentle hand on her shoulder, expecting a jump that doesn’t surface. She’d heard about the giraffe on Gillian’s barn, which surprisingly wasn’t the most ridiculous event to have occurred recently. There’d been a lot of opinions round the station about the giraffe and its origins, mostly suspecting it was a scheme by Gillian. Catherine had bit her tongue stayed out of it, she knew how Gillian felt about that barn. She’d been quite tempted to go up there and smash it to pieces herself. 

“Are you alright?” Catherine asks Gillian quietly, she knows it’s a stupid question before the words have left her mouth.

The look Gillian sends her tells her she agrees.

Catherine looks over at the land rover again, the boy in the front is staring at her.

“Is that one of Caroline’s boys?” She asks. _William or Lawrence?_ She doesn’t recognise the girl, probably not a local.

“Yeah, that’s Lawrence. Been staying up at farm.” Gillian straightens up and blows air through her nose. The far off look in her eyes recedes but lingers.

Lawrence seems to have finally made the connection, as he exits the land rover and makes his way over. He looks a little bewildered, the expression on his face reminds Catherine of the last time she saw him. _He must’ve been six or seven, always angry about something._ She finds it quite amusing that he’s grown up in most ways, but the anger and frustration is still there. He looks impressively out of place on Gillian’s farm, the rich spoilt son of Caroline. There is a kind concern though, in the way he glances at Gillian. He gets that from his mother.

“Are you Auntie Catherine?” He asks, breaking her from her thoughts.

Hearing the title only makes him look all the younger, that little boy that used to pull at her trouser legs and gaze in wonder at her uniform.

“Yep. It’s been a while, Lawrence. You getting on alright?” She’s aware of how awkward she sounds, but William was always easier to talk to.

Lawrence nods vaguely, not seeming massively interested. 

“Didn’t know you knew Gillian.” He comments, surprisingly her with the suspicion in his tone.

“We go way back. Oh, I’m always getting into trouble.” Gillian grins, before Catherine can reply. She’s glad to see Gillian smile again, even if it looks a little forced.

Lawrence seems satisfied, and makes his way back to the land rover, the girl hugs him as he joins her - as if they’ve been apart for days. Catherine rolls her eyes in harmony with Gillian.

They spend the afternoon attempting to locate all the escaped sheep. Catherine loses count of all the people Gillian has to apologise to, though her presence seems to lessen the chance of them having a go at the farmer. Gillian offers to pick up shopping for the elderly lady whose flowers were trampled, spreading herself thinner and thinner as the favours pile up. Her selflessness makes Catherine’s bones ache.

Eventually they finish, the hollowness of Gillian’s eyes at their deepest. She’d lost six sheep. 

Catherine has to get back to the station. She gives Gillian a gentle hug which surprises them both, Gillian’s hunched form feels so small in her arms. Gillian thanks her, and heads off in her land rover with the teenagers still chattering away.

Catherine watches her go, and heads back to her own car. After a moment, she decides to text Caroline. _Gillian needs someone._

She smiles at how quickly Caroline responds when Gillian is mentioned. 

-

Caroline was back at work in her new school. Gillian was never far from her mind. 

She’s about to head home, intending to pick Flora up from Alan and Celia on the way. Her phone buzzes, and her heart sinks. It’s Catherine, asking if she can check in on Gillian. Worry spreads across her stomach and she grabs her keys.

She picks Flora up from her mother, nodding along to the latest drama in Celia’s life. Alan looks exhausted, so she offers to take Calamity home too. Her mother looks surprised, Caroline bites down on her lip to muffle a response. 

The sun is setting by the time her jeep pulls into the farm. Orange light spilt across the clouds feels far too dramatic. She spots Gillian sitting on the wall outside the house, which is always a bad sign. The girls run into the house together, their squeals echoing across the hills.

As Caroline nears her, she notices the weariness of Gillian’s shoulders. She’s never seen Gillian so still, she looks defeated. 

She joins Gillian on the wall, the silence spreads between them. Gillian’s hands tremble between them, her eyes flicker over to Caroline’s form as if she’s an illusion. Caroline’s hands find hers to prove that she’s real. _She’s here._

The tension in Gillian’s shoulders lessens a little, just enough for her to lean into Caroline. She should probably explain, but there’ll be time later. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Think I managed to change all the times I accidentally wrote Caroline instead of Catherine but who knows..


	10. Chapter 10

Caroline sits with Gillian until she feels the cold. Gillian doesn’t seem to notice the temperature, despite her shivers. She lets Caroline guide her inside.

She tells her about the sheep, and Cheryl and how Catherine had been so good. Caroline makes a mental note of all the people Gillian now seems to owe favours to. _Gillian won’t be able to cope with all this on her own._

Gillian tells her properly about the first time she met Catherine, and what losing a couple of sheep really means. If he was still here, he’d of blamed her. He was dead though, so she blamed herself instead. Gillian had been angry before, but now only her guilt was left. She struggles to narrow down what she’s feeling particularly guilty about, _there’s too much._

“I’ve not been a great friend to Catherine.” She finds herself saying to Caroline.

“E- every time I see her, it’s like I’m back there… _that night._ With Eddie - ” Gillian breaks off, knowing Caroline doesn’t need her to elaborate. 

Caroline recognises the way Gillian’s body curls in on itself before she’s even mentioned his name. Something within her convulses as his name lingers on Gillian’s lips.

“I’ve not been a good friend to her either.” Caroline murmurs after a moment, hoping to distract Gillian. 

“We used to be very close, and then - I’m not sure how, things just changed. I think I’ve left it too long, after _Becky - ”_ Caroline’s voice breaks at the thought of her niece. 

Gillian’s hands find hers again, as if they’re making a pact. _To be better, for Catherine._

_-_

She offers to stay later, but Gillian waves her away. Raff and Ellie are home, with Calamity screaming about upstairs. It wasn’t as if Gillian was alone, to a point.

Caroline still feels as though she’s abandoning her though, as she bundles a reluctant Flora into the jeep and settles herself into the driver’s seat. She texts Catherine an update on Gillian, intending to ring her properly later (maybe). She glances back at the house, just being able to make out Gillian’s form in the window by the sink. She finds it strangely comforting, keeping Gillian in her gaze for as long as possible without crashing her car as she drives away.

The farm fades away into the night, until she’s left only with Flora’s giggling for company. She wonders how long Gillian will last without ringing her. _It’s never very long._

_-_

Gillian manages, until she doesn’t. She’s tired, finding herself unable to focus on Raff’s words as he tells her about his day. He seems not to notice as he launches into another chaotic story about a certain student she can’t remember the name of. Calamity had eventually been coaxed into bed by Ellie, giving them all a little more air to breathe.

Raff is looking at her, and she hopes he hasn’t asked her a question.

“Hmm?” 

“I said, are you going to ring Caroline?” He asks, his eyes sparkling for some reason.

Gillian frowns, _is she that predictable?_

“I’ve only just seen her!” She manages to reply.

Raff looks at her skeptically, before kissing her forehead and heading upstairs.

Gillian looks around the empty kitchen, her gaze lingering where Caroline had sat hours earlier. She sighs, shaking her head at herself. Caroline’s probably had enough of her today. Instead, she texts Catherine and thanks her for all her help. Thinking of Catherine makes her think of him, and she grimaces. She moves to pour another cup of tea and burns her hand. The pain flares in her skin, and she hates how comforting it feels. 

_I’ve shed blood in every room in this house._

Her own words circle in her head. Caroline’s shocked face floats in front of her. She deserves a break from Gillian’s endless bombshells.

Gillian drinks her tea with a throbbing hand, and feels it burn in her throat. She heads up to bed with heavy feet.

The darkness mocks her as she lays awake, watching the cracks in the ceiling. This is the bedroom where Eddie had hurt her the most. Robbie had barely touched her in comparison.

She shouldn’t have thought about that.

She closes her eyes, feeling herself drifting.

Bulky fists reach towards her and she snaps them open again. 

Her heart hammers against her ribcage, and she reaches for her phone. _For Caroline._


	11. Chapter 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just another little short one x

Caroline answers on the second ring. Just as Gillian’s mind comes back enough for her to comprehend that she’s ringing Caroline at _3am._

She’s ringing Caroline at 3am, _and Caroline answered at 3am._

_“_ Gillian? Are you alright?”

The room is still spinning, and her throat is too tight. She wishes she could answer.

“Gillian?”

All she can give in reply are ragged breaths.

“You need to breathe, Gillian.”

_As if she hadn’t tried that._ She’s too busy hyperventilating to breathe.

The absence of a witty comment seems to worry Caroline. Her voice sounds too far away, and Gillian tries desperately to grasp the words. She can’t make them out anymore, which doesn’t help her panic.

_Maybe she’s inherited her father’s heart problems and now she’s going to die because of the softness of Caroline’s voice._

“- to get worried now, Gillian. _Please.”_ Caroline voice comes back into focus. She sounds surprisingly desperate.

Gillian takes in another rattling breath, her ribs aching with effort.

“s-sorry.” She eventually manages to wheeze.

“ _Oh, thank God.”_ Caroline’s sigh of relief is so full it seems to make Gillian’s phone rumble.

“Sorry.” Gillian says again, her voice a little steadier.

“You don’t need to apologise.”

“Sorry..” Gillian sighs, her heart reducing its impact against her chest.

Caroline chuckles softly, then pauses.

“Nightmare?” She ventures cautiously.

Gillian grunts a confirmation, listening to Caroline’s gentle breathing through the phone. She closes her eyes, and feels Caroline’s arms around her. Warmth spreads through her, and her pulse begins to regulate. She finds herself longing to feel Caroline.

She opens her eyes, and the room is cold.

“Did I wake you?” She asks Caroline. _It’s 3am and Caroline answered on the second ring._

“No, I couldn’t sleep.” Caroline answers vaguely, not adding that worrying about Gillian was the cause of her being awake at 3am.

Ruth (the dog) snuffles in her sleep, and Gillian grins at the sound.

“You charmed Ruth into bed then?” Gillian bites her lip, hoping she’s not gone too far.

She’s rewarded with the glorious sound of Caroline’s laugh, slightly muted in an attempt not to waken the dog in her bed or her daughter in the next room. 

“Oh yes, I’m quite the charmer, me.”

Gillian can vouch for that.

“Do you want to talk about it?” Caroline probes, expecting a negative answer.

Gillian lets out another long, shuddering breath. Caroline winces, and waits.

“I don’t understand it.” Gillian begins, trying to organise her (always) jumbled thoughts. 

“I should be used to being on me own by now.” She whispers.

_You’re not on your own,_ Caroline wants to say. She waits, knowing very well how chaotic Gillian’s thoughts are even on a good day.

“I don’t get lonely. Well - I - ” Gillian breaks off, unsure.

Caroline tries to make a reassuring noise as her throat tightens at the thought of Gillian _alone._

“I used to be so relieved when I’d wake up without _him_ here, b - but now it’s a like a reminder of - something -”

Robbie’s words run through her head. _You need your head examining._

“ - of me being absolutely f - bloody mad.. _need my head examining._ That’s what he - he always said.”

Caroline opens her mouth to defend Gillian (and her sanity) but Gillian rambles on, dedicated to getting to the end of what she wants to say.

“I don’t get lonely.” She tries again.

Her hands curl into fists, gripping the sheets.

“I _didn’t_ get lonely. Never used to, until - now.” Gillian pauses, as if her next statement will take all her energy. 

“Now, I - I miss you. _Whenever you’re not ‘ere, I miss you.”_ She blurts the last part, and braces for impact. 


	12. Chapter 12

_Oh fuck. Fucking idiot._

Caroline’s silence is deafening. Gillian can’t breathe.

_Shit shit shit shit shit. Bloody idiot._

Gillian wishes she’d not said anything. _She’s definitely gone and ruined everything now._

_Shitshitshitshitshit-_

“I miss you too.” Caroline’s voice is softer than Gillian’s ever heard it. 

_Oh._

“Really?” Gillian winces at the hope in her own voice.

“Why do you think I offered to stay?” Caroline is grinning.

“Oh, well - um… right - ” 

Caroline delights Gillian with another one of her soothing chuckles, before promising to speak properly with her tomorrow. She makes Gillian promise to call her again if she needs her. 

_Pillock._

Gillian holds her phone in her hand long after Caroline has hung up. Dazed, she puts it back on the table by her bed, fumbling in the dark. There’s a sharp pain in her hand. She puts the lamp on and her hand is bleeding.

She frowns, confused. A dampness has spread on the table by her phone, and the pieces slot together in her weary brain. _She must’ve knocked over her water when he was in her head._

Now shards of glass litter the surface and her hand is bleeding. 

It’s 4am, she’ll have to be up soon anyway.

Gillian makes her way downstairs again, clutching her injured hand. As she makes her way to the sink, she spots the mug Caroline had drank her tea from earlier. She couldn’t bring herself to clean the lipstick stain from the rim. The water should be cool against her skin but she barely registers it, blood mixes and swirls in the drain.

_I’ve shed blood in every room of this house._

She gulps, and throws up in the sink.

-

Hours later, Celia wanders into the living room. She and Alan were due to pick up Calamity and Flora and take them to someone’s birthday party or something. Was it a birthday party? Celia can’t remember. 

She’d persuaded Alan to go it alone, wanting to see how Gillian was without seeming to be checking up on her. She’s hoping to come up with an excuse by the time she reaches the door. Raff and Ellie were still at work, it should be just her and Gillian.

She calls out a greeting as she enters, eyes slowly adjusting to the relative dimness of the house. Gillian is just coming in from feeding the sheep, and is balancing on a wobbly leg trying to get her boots off.

Celia takes this opportunity to observe her step-daughter. Gillian doesn’t seem to have heard her. She’s noticed Gillian behaves a lot differently when people aren’t watching. Her shoulders slump further, and the weariness of her movements is more pronounced. Despite this, she’s always on the move. Even when she’s sitting down, her leg bounces up and down relentlessly as if they’re permanently on the edge of making an escape.

Gillian eventually succeeds in taking off her remaining boot, continuing to wobble dangerously as she does so. She shoves her boots by the door with a grunt, and looks up in surprise as Celia attempts another greeting.

“Hello, love.”

It suddenly strikes Celia, as Gillian moves closer towards her, that she looks very pale. A shaft on sunlight from the window highlight’s Gillian’s face. The weariness has settled further, every inch of her looks utterly exhausted.

“Oh, uh - sorry, Celia. Didn’t realise you were ‘ere..” Gillian mumbles, swaying and shifting on her feet.

“That’s okay dear, your dad’s picking the girls up. I decided to give it a miss today.” Celia realises she’s not thought of an excuse, but Gillian doesn’t seem to register it anyway.

“Don’t blame you, quite loud them birthday parties.” Gillian adds, moving slowly towards the kitchen in her socks.

_It was definitely a birthday party then._ Celia watches Gillian’s arms shake as she goes to fill the kettle. She doesn’t make it that far, pausing on unstable legs by the table. Gillian flings out an arm to catch herself, dizziness swarming in her head. Celia gasps.

“Are you alright, love? Here, have a sit down.” Celia pushes a reluctant Gillian into one of the chairs in the kitchen. Gillian mumbles something in response, her eyes unfocused.

The kitchen blurs, a mug of tea is placed in her hands. The fuzzy figure of Celia sits opposite her, chair scraping against the floor. She blinks, then regrets it as Celia’s concerned eyes come into focus. _Why does she care?_

Gillian’s head spins. Celia’s hands feel unfamiliar as they cover her own. She can’t help but wish Caroline was here instead. 

“Have you eaten today?” Celia asks her, with an expected amount of judgment edging into her face. 

“Uh - I _can’t remember - ”_ Gillian winces, and closes her eyes. She’s not in the mood for Celia’s _disapproval_ face, which has made an appearance many times over the years. Mostly in relation to her. 

Celia surprises her though, as she rises silently from the table. Before her brain has time to comprehend Celia being _nice,_ a plate is put down in front of her. _Celia (who reads the daily mail, judges her life choices, and maybe sort of doesn’t like her very much)_ has made her an omelette.

Gillian’s stomach churns and she contemplates how bad it would be to throw up on her step-mother. _Who has just made her an omelette._ She realises she’s probably being rude, and Celia is looking at her expectantly.

She swallows the bile in her throat and eats the omelette.

Celia chats to her as she eats, watching over her every mouthful in a way that makes Gillian feel like a child. Celia’s voice isn’t as calming as Caroline’s, but she tries to listen all the same.

“Thank you, Celia.” She says after she’s finished, forcing her eyes up from the table.

Celia makes a gesture that probably means _don’t mention it, ever._

“What have you done to your hand?” Celia asks suddenly.

-

It’s been a long day for Caroline, mostly filled with worry over Gillian. 

_Whenever you’re not ‘ere, I miss you._

She hadn’t known what to say to Gillian, her throat had tightened whilst her heart lifted. She’d felt hope for the first time in a very long time, that Gillian might feel the same way. It’d surprised her, what Gillian had said. She’d been caught off guard, but in a brilliant way. She hoped Gillian hadn’t interpreted her shock as anything else. 

Her hands gripped the steering wheel as her jeep navigated the twists and turns of the farm track. It was familiar territory now, she could do the drive with her eyes closed. She prides herself on being a sensible driver though (unlike Gillian), so she keeps her eyes firmly open.

It would be an understatement, to say she was extremely surprised by what she found on entering Gillian’s kitchen. At the kitchen table, her mother - _her mother -_ was sitting (and _laughing?)_ with Gillian. Neither of them looked like they’d rather be anywhere else, which made a change.

They both looked up to see her enter. Caroline’s stomach seized as she saw how impossibly pale Gillian looked. She had been laughing with Celia, but her grin (a different one than the one reserved for Caroline) didn’t reach her eyes. 

“Hello, Caroline. I wasn’t expecting to see you here.” Her mother greeted her. Gillian gave her a half-hearted wave with a wobbly arm. 

“Oh, yes. Well, I left my jumper here the other day, so - ” Caroline winced at her delivery of a very hasty excuse.

Her mother didn’t look at all convinced, but the soft smile that graced Gillian’s face was worth it.

“Well this looks very cosy.” Caroline commented, joining them both at the table.

“I just popped round for a bit, Alan’s dropping the girls off at that party. He’ll be along to get me soon.” Celia explained, concerned eyes still flicking towards Gillian.

“What have you done to your hand?” Caroline blurts, echoing her mother’s earlier question.

Gillian looks down at her hands again. 

“Broke a glass, last night.” She mumbles.

It’s red and raw, the cut on her hand. Looking deeper and longer than she remembered it.

Caroline looks at her with a concern that exceeds her mother’s. _Last night._

“Your mother made me an omelette.” Gillian tries to fill the silence.

She ignores Celia’s glare. _Don’t mention it, ever._

“You looked like you were going to faint, love.” Celia replied. Gillian winced as Caroline’s eyes shot to hers. She cursed Celia, and her own stupid mouth.

“Hadn’t eaten at all today!” Celia adds, watching Gillian sink further into her chair. If she had the energy, her leg would be pumping up and down. 

Satisfied with her contribution to the complicated situation, Celia rises _triumphantly_ from the table. Alan’s outside in the lexus. He comes in for a quick hello, and then they’re gone. 

Then, it’s just the two of them. 

The room is spinning less, but still spinning. Gillian wishes she could focus on Caroline, frustrated at only being able to make out the shape of her form. _It’s still a lovely shape. God, she’s an idiot._

“Are you alright?” Caroline covers Gillian’s hands with her own, smiling as Gillian lets out a gentle sigh at the contact.

“I - I’m just tired. _So f-bloody tired._ Nearly collapsed on your mother, sorry. Would’ve given her a shock, that…” Gillian attempts a joke, but Caroline definitely isn’t amused.

“What about your hand?”

“Just - I just broke a glass, _really._ By accident - _he was in my head,_ and I didn’t realise I’d broke it.” 

“You need to rest.”

“I - _I can’t…”_

“Gillian. _Please.”_ Caroline’s voice is firm, but there are tears in her eyes.

Gillian bites her lip, eyes bouncing back down to the table.

“I - I’m sorry Caz. Don’t know why you bother with me.” She mutters.

Caroline sighs. Gently, she moves from her chair and crouches down next to Gillian. She ignores the complaint from her knees.

“Gillian.” She waits for Gillian to look at her.

Gillian grunts, exhausted.

“Please, let me help you.”

Gillian closes her eyes, silent tears slipping down her face. She leans into Caroline’s touch as she wipes them away.

She moves Gillian onto the sofa, ignoring her feeble protests. Farm things can wait.

Gillian’s eyes feel heavy, and Caroline’s arms are warm around her. The house will be full of noise again soon, but for now she can rest. _Just for a moment._

“There’s things - things we need to talk about.” She mumbles into Caroline’s jumper.

“They can wait.” Caroline replies.

_I love you._ Gillian wants to say.

Instead, she shuffles closer to Caroline and lets herself relax. Caroline blinks back tears, concern still gnawing at the corner of her mind. The image of Gillian wobbling, _nearly fainting on her mother_ is blinked away with her tears. She watches the soft rise and fall of Gillian’s chest.

_I love you._ Caroline wants to stay.

Instead, she holds Gillian tight and lets her sleep.


	13. Chapter 13

When Gillian wakes up, she’s on a different ( _more expensive)_ sofa. Panic seizes at her throat. Her heart begins to hammer, but then she realises _the sofa smells like Caroline._ She blinks, and Caroline’s perfume wafts through the air. She’s not entirely sure how she got there, but she’s somehow made it to Caroline’s living room.

Caroline pauses at the doorway, giving Gillian time. 

Sunlight drifts through the window and bounces off Gillian’s curls. The sight of Gillian in the morning is glorious. As Gillian pushes herself up, Caroline finds herself observing the way the muscles in her arms move and flex. She finds herself lost in Gillian’s gentle strength. She clears her throat, and Gillian looks up.

“Morning Gillian.”

“Uh - hi? H - how?” 

“I brought you to mine, you were exhausted. Raff is looking after everything on the farm. Everything is fine.”

_Everything is fine._

Gillian tries to believe her. 

“R - right. _Okay.”_ She seems a little lost, and Caroline wonders whether she did the right thing. It’s too late to go back now anyway.

“Cup of tea?” Caroline prompts Gillian, who is thankfully looking a little less pale than the day before.

Gillian nods wordlessly, waiting for the nausea to make a reappearance. She heads to the bathroom quickly, wincing at the luxurious softness of Caroline’s _bloody perfect_ carpet. 

Caroline’s bathroom is also perfect, Gillian smiles at the regimented organisation of the various hand creams and soaps and things she has no idea of the purpose of. Her hands grip the sink, willing herself not to throw up again. _In Caroline’s nice, clean, organised, beautiful bathroom._ Her knuckles turn white and she slams her eyes shut, avoiding her reflection in the mirror.

“Gillian? Are you alright in there?” Caroline calls from the kitchen, a strange mix of humour laced with concern in her voice.

Gillian utters what she hopes is an appropriate response. She splashes water on her face, avoids her reflection, and heads back to Caroline.

Caroline is sitting waiting for her at the kitchen table (it’s bigger and fancier than hers). Two mugs of tea sit in front of her, nestled so closely it makes Gillian want to cry. _Bloody idiot._

She makes her way over (still wobbling) to the chair opposite Caroline. She feels observed, but not in an unsettling way. Caroline’s observation makes her feel seen, not watched. They sit in silence for a long moment, hands wrapped around mugs. 

“Shit.” Gillian says suddenly.

“I’m meant to have a shift this mornin’…” She mumbles, running a shaky hand over her face.

“It’s alright.” Caroline says, her eyes impossible soft.

“I rang them, said you wouldn’t be coming in today.” She explains.

Gillian is quiet, and surprised. Caroline wonders if she’s overstepped again. She doesn’t seem upset though, Caroline notices, just surprised. _As if she can’t comprehend why someone would try and help her._

“Thank you.” Gillian says, after a while. Her voice is firm, and Caroline’s knees weaken.

“It’s okay, Gillian - ”

“N - no, really Caroline. Thank you.” Gillian is looking into her eyes with such intensity, Caroline feels her skin burn. She smiles.

The sunlight continues to drift, their hands edge closer.

“So where is Madam Flora this morning?” Gillian asks, a hint of guilt in her eyes.

“She’s at mum and and Alan’s, with Calamity. After that birthday party.” Caroline reminds her.

Gillian nods, grinning at the thought of Celia and her father trying to cope with both girls. Her grin flickers slightly when she remembers Celia’s concerned ( _disapproving)_ face floating in front of her. _Celia had made her an omelette._

“I’m sorry if I scared your mum.” She tells Caroline.

“She must have been traumatised to resort to making actual food for you.” Caroline tries to joke, Gillian responds with a deflated sort of laugh.

“I - I can’t remember what I said, to you. Last night.” Gillian ventures into dangerous territory.

Caroline feels her pulse quicken under her skin.

“H - how did you get me here?” Gillian asks instead, her own pulse thundering.

Caroline looks embarrassed. Gillian grins.

“Oh, well. You see, I had to carry you to my car. _I didn’t want to wake you.”_ A gorgeous shade of red spreads across Caroline’s cheeks. They both pause, before dissolving into laughter.

Gillian feels her own face heat up at the thought of being carried in Caroline’s arms. She puts a hand on Caroline’s arm.

“ _My hero.”_ She grins, chuckling as Caroline rolls her eyes.

“You’re heavier than you look.” Caroline bites back, eyes sparkling.

“ _Rude.”_ Gillian pouts.

Silence descends again, something unspoken hangs between them. 

_Tell her. Tell her. Tell her. Tell her. Fuck it -_

“T - there’s things. Things I wanted to say - ” Gillian grimaces at her delivery but plows on regardless, feeling the weight of Caroline’s gaze.

“I - ”

“Fuck - ”

_It’s going well so far._

“I never told you. The real reason I didn’t come - the reason for not going when you were - _to your wedding_. Y - yours and Kate’s - ”

“I - I knew then. Well I knew _before_ then. B - but I _really_ knew then - ”

Caroline’s eye twitches with the effort of letting Gillian ramble towards her point, if she were to bite her tongue any harder she’d have no tongue left. She’s hoping Gillian will arrive at what she wanted to say soon. 

Gillian pauses, watching Caroline with a completely unguarded and open face. She seems to have managed to organise her thoughts into a slightly more coherent jumble. Taking a deep breath, her eyes remain fixed with Caroline’s.

“I wanted to tell you - ”

“The - the reason why I couldn’t watch you g - getting _married,_ the reason you’re the first one I call, the - the reason my day isn’t so shit when you’re in it. The reason I miss you, really properly miss you whenever you’re not ‘ere with me - ”

Gillian’s hands are trembling. Tears creep into Caroline’s eyes.

“ - It’s because - _fuck -_ it’s ‘cause I love you.”

“I - I love you, Caz.”

Gillian can’t breathe. She didn’t want to watch Caroline’s reaction but can’t bear to pull her eyes away. There are tears in Caroline’s eyes. _She’s made Caroline cry. Fucking idiot._

Caroline hasn’t pulled away, which is a good sign. She hasn’t said anything yet, and Gillian has recovered enough to have the energy to pump her leg up and down again. The return of the familiar mannerism seems to jolt Caroline. A slow smile spreads across her lips.

“That took you long enough, you twat.” The tears spill into her smile.

Hands join across the table.

“I love you too, Gillian.”


	14. Chapter 14

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this is me trying to link things to events towards the end of series 5 x

Gillian tries not to let her mouth hang open.

“Y - you love me?” She sounds incredulous.

Caroline tries to think of ways to let Gillian know she is loved.

Pressing a gentle kiss to her lips seems like a good place to start. 

At first, Gillian thinks she might be dreaming. _Caroline is kissing her._ Caroline’s lips are so incredibly soft against hers, and she’s wishing she’d brushed her teeth. The thought is lost as Caroline breaks away and moves back slightly. Their foreheads lean together, hands linked across the table.

_God, she’s a wonderful kisser,_ each thinks of the other. 

-

Reluctantly, Gillian decides to head back to the farm. Raff needs to get to work, as does Caroline. _She’s inconvenienced them enough already._ Caroline gives her a lift, their hands brushing the entire way.

“Busy day today?” Gillian’s voice is scratchy.

“Oh I’ve got a hectic morning, might have time to ring you later.” Caroline smiles.

Gillian tries not to think of how busy her own day will be.

“How about you?” 

Gillian sighs.

“I’ve a day of apologising for f - bloody sheep.. said I’d fix some bloke’s garden, picking some groceries for that old lady bless ‘er.. might pop up to me dad and your mum’s if I’ve time.. lend a hand with kitchen..” 

Caroline feel her own brain spin. She can’t help but think Gillian has taken so much on to punish herself.

“Catherine said she could lend a hand.. wi’ people, doing _damage control_ she said.” Gillian adds, a complicated smile flickering across her face. 

“Oh, that’s good of her.” Caroline comments.

She navigates the track up to the farm with ease, a content silence thrumming between them. All too quickly, she pulls into the yard. Gillian sighs.

“Thank you, Caz. An - and I’m sorry for being such - a _bloody mess -”_

Caroline places a hand on Gillian’s juddering knee. 

“ _Gillian._ You have nothing to apologise for. _I love you,_ remember? No matter what.” 

Caroline’s fingers brush gently over Gillian’s knuckles. _Caroline loves her._

Gillian smiles, eyes absorbed by Caroline.

“I love you ‘an all.” She grins, pressing a kiss to Caroline’s cheek.

Gillian gives Caroline’s hand one last squeeze, before she jumps down from the jeep. She stands by the wall, and watches Caroline drive off. Her heart feels so much lighter.

Her eyes remain fixed to the road, long after Caroline’s car disappears. 

_I miss you, whenever you’re not ‘ere._

She sighs, grins, and heads inside.

-

Raff and Ellie have already left for work, so the house is empty again.

It has a different character, during the day. Daylight vanquishes most of the darkness lingering in the corners. Still, Gillian tries to spend as little time in the house as possible.

She changes quickly, pulling on a jumper as she heads back out. Her fingers stroke the wool absent-mindedly and she grins, realising its a jumper Caroline bought her one Christmas.

_To keep you warm,_ she’d said. 

She shrugs on her jacket, boots sliding in the mud. She doesn’t look at the barn.

Heaving herself up into the land rover, she pauses as she grips the wheel. She pulls out her phone to text Catherine, stomach clenching when she sees a message from Caroline.

_I love you, I’ll call you later x_

Gillian still can’t quite believe that Caroline loves her. The thought makes something churn deep in her bones. She closes her eyes for a moment, letting her brain indulge itself with thoughts of Caroline.

Then, she gets on with her ( _bloody hectic)_ day.

-

Catherine looks down at her phone as it buzzes. Clare looks at her curiously from across the kitchen table. She’s just back from taking Ryan to school.

“It’s Gillian, I’m helping her out today.” Catherine explains to her sister.

“Oh, not spending your day off with me then. Don’t worry, I’ve plans anyroad.” Clare replies as she begins to wash the mugs.

Catherine hums at her, as she types a reply to Gillian.

“-ing okay?” 

“Hmm?”

“I knew you weren’t listening.. I said, is Gillian doing okay?” Clare asks, wringing her hands slightly.

“Yeah, I think so. Well, she’s got our Caroline looking after her.” Catherine smiles gently at the thought.

“When d’you think those two’ll work things out?” Clare laughs, making gestures with her hands as she says _things._

Catherine rolls her eyes, and eases herself up from the table.

“I’ll see you later.” She kisses Clare’s cheek and grabs her jacket.

-

Catherine heads towards the familiar red land rover, glad to be out of her uniform. It’ll make it easier for Gillian too hopefully.

Gillian looks up, climbing out as she sees Catherine coming. She’s struck suddenly (as she often is) by how much Caroline’s cousin resembles her. It’s a bit unnerving, especially when she’ll be spending the day thinking about Caroline.

Catherine isn’t in uniform ( _she’s helping on her day off when she’s probably got much better things to be doing, pillock)._

Gillian feels relieved at the sight. 

_Hopefully no flashes of him_

_and that night_

_and Catherine’s uniform_

_and the flashing lights_

_and the way the wall dug into her palms_

_and the look on her dad’s face.._

_none of that today._

Gillian takes a deep breath.

They spend most of the morning around the village, checking on the victims of Gillian’s escaped sheep. There’s multiple gardens to tidy, people to apologise (again) to, and a never-ending supply of comments to endure. Gillian’s getting a little sick of people telling her she shouldn’t leave her gate open. Her tongue aches from being repeatedly bitten.

_That stupid barn._

She sits on the bench outside the pub (where the garden was ruined by her _bloody_ sheep). Catherine comes to join her, sitting gently by her side. Her movements, Gillian notices, can be just as considered as Caroline’s sometimes.

“How’s Clare?” Gillian asks suddenly, realising it’s been years since she last asked after Catherine’s family. _Always avoiding talking about Becky._

“She’s doing really well actually yeah, she lives with me and helps out with Ryan. Twelve years sober next month.” Catherine smiles gently as she talks about her sister.

_Ryan._ Gillian’s brain makes the connection, _he must be Becky’s son._

“God, we’re _both_ grandmas.” Gillian’s eyes widen dramatically, as Catherine chuckles.

“Yeah, you’re getting on a bit Gillian - ”

_“_ Oi, speak for yourself, you’re _older than me!”_

_“_ Must be _bloody ancient_ then.” Catherine grins as Gillian tries to look offended.

Gillian is about to reply, when her (smashed) phone screen lights up. _Caroline’s calling her._

She lunges for her phone, then attempts to disguise the action. Catherine rolls her eyes and gives her a look that reminds her of Caroline. 

“I’ll go and make some tea then. Give you some time to _chat.”_ Catherine rolls her eyes again, and heads towards the pub.

“Hiya Caz.” Gillian watches Catherine go, a little confused.

“Hello Gillian, how’re things going?”

“Good, yeah. Just taking a break. Catherine’s gone to grab us a brew.”

There’s a pause, and Gillian’s trying to get better at saying what she want to say.

“Is it bad that I already miss you?” She lowers her voice.

Caroline chuckles.

“I miss you too, it’s been _hours.”_ Caroline replies, grinning.

“I had something I wanted to talk to you about, before this morning happened and well, and the day before.” Caroline continues, beginning to pace her office.

“It’s sort of a solution to your problem.. and mine. You see, you want to farm and can’t afford to, and I make silly money _or what some people would think of as silly money_ but I can’t cope with Flora on my own. So I was wondering if we might - _pool_ our resources somehow…” Caroline’s grip on her phone tightens.

“Oh - _oh,_ like live together?” Gillian gulps.

“Well, _yes._ Things have changed a bit due to this morning’s _events._ But is it such a ridiculous idea?”

“Yeah - things ‘ave _changed._ It’s not a ridiculous idea, no. It’s - it’s - are you sure? I mean, how would that work? You’ve put so much into that house, but you’ve got no acres so I couldn’t come to you.. unless I packed it all in an’ sold up..” Gillian starts to ramble.

“No, no you can’t sell up. It’s just something I was thinking about, to be in a _mutually beneficial_ arrangement…”

Caroline’s tone makes Gillian begin to feel a bit wobbly again.

_Mutually beneficial. Bloody hell._

“Y - yeah. Okay, I - I’ll think about it. It’s not a ridiculous idea…” Gillian finds herself grinning again, just in time for Catherine to return with two mugs of tea, somehow still rolling her eyes at her.

“Oh, Catherine’s back. Want to talk to her?” Gillian asks, somehow she doesn’t think Catherine needs telling who she’s talking to. _Are they really that obvious?_

“Oh, alright. I’ll talk to you tonight, how about you come to mine?”

“Y - yep, okay. And Caz?” Gillian glances at Catherine, who is pretending not to be listening.

“Yes, Gillian?”

_“I love you.”_ She whispers. Catherine chokes on her tea.

Gillian grins, hands Catherine the phone, before wandering off (tea in hand) thinking of Caroline.

Caroline can’t help but smile.

“Hello Caroline.” Catherine says, after she’s recovered herself.

“Hi Catherine, everything going okay?” 

_Is Gillian okay?_ Remains the unanswered question.

“Yep, everything’s going fine. Lots of slightly more satisfied people with tidier gardens than they probably had before. Your Gillian’s been working hard as always.”

_Your Gillian._ Caroline’s heart swells. _Your Gillian._

“Not too hard I hope, she’s been spreading herself so thin lately.” Caroline replies.

“Don’t worry, I’ve been keeping an eye on her. So…”

“So?”

“Well. _Something’s definitely changed,_ Caroline. Gillian seems happy.”

“Oh, well - ”

“You don’t have to tell me, Caroline. I’m just relieved to see her smile again, properly. You’re good for her.” Catherine breaks in again.

“Anyway, I better go. Before Gillian promises to do anymore favours.” 

“I - Okay, thank you Catherine. I’ll talk to you soon, alright?”

“Yeah, okay. Bye Caroline.”

Catherine watches as Gillian stands lost in thought, her fingers laced around the mug in her hands. She doesn’t think she’s ever seen Gillian so happy.

Weary, cold, tired but _happy._


	15. Chapter 15

Once Gillian’s apologised to what feels like the entire population of Yorkshire, it’s getting towards the afternoon and she’s thinking of Caroline. She wonders how her day is going, and whether she’s thinking of Gillian.

She thanks Catherine for helping her (again), and promises to text her later. There’s something unfamiliar in Catherine’s eyes as she hugs her, but Gillian can’t quite place it. She watches Catherine’s back as she trudges away. _She’s never been a good enough friend to Catherine._

She sighs as she climbs back into the land rover, and searches for her phone. Finding it (eventually) somehow under the seat, she checks her messages.

She has a missed call from her dad. _Which could be nothing._

“Hello, love.” He answers, when she rings him back.

“Hi dad, everything alright?” She can hear the tightness in his voice.

“It’s our Ted, he’s wandered off again.” He replies. _Oh shit._

_-_

Gillian’s fingers fidget on the wheel as she pulls up outside Alan and Celia’s bungalow. It’s a lovely house, _very Celia._ Full of clean, nice things that made her worried about trailing mud in. Her dad seems a bit out of place, especially now as she watches him. He’s talking to Celia, who’s looking at him sharply. She’s glaring at his uniform from the supermarket, as if that’s the cause of all their problems. 

Climbing down from the land rover, she raises a hand to wave. She’s not sure why Celia waving back surprises her. Her dad heads over, and she spots John’s car down the road. _Bloody John, just what she needed._

Another car pulls up, just as her dad reaches her. She clenches her fists when she sees who it is. _The universe is really piling it on today._

Cheryl exits her police car, looking severely less smug than she did a couple of days earlier. There’s worry in her face, making her look decidedly more human and not _useless and stupid and brainless_ than usual. She doesn’t look at Gillian, which is a blessing.

“Did you know you’ve got someone living in your shed?” She asks Alan.

He did not. 

They all walk up to the house. Celia gives Gillian an appraising look as if she’s worried she might have to resort to being nice to her again, before continuing to mutter about Alan’s _stupid job._ John looks up as she passes him and Lawrence, with a pathetic hopefulness spreading across his face. She greets Lawrence quickly, who rolls his eyes at his dad. She tries to ignore John.

“Hi Gillian.” He says, all but cornering her in the hallway.

“mm - _hi.”_ She says, feeling multiple eyes watching her with varying degrees of judgement.

Celia tuts, Cheryl mutters something probably offensive, Alan sighs, and Lawrence (of all people) is the one to rescue her. He pushes his dad out the door, saying they’ll start looking for Ted.

Gillian can breathe. 

She has a quick chat with her dad and Celia, in which her dad tells her how tired she looks and Celia hovers around her in a way that was probably intended to be maternal and caring, but only succeeds in making her feel increasingly uncomfortable. 

Cheryl heads off, instructing them on all the things she’s going to sort and how helpful she’s going to be. _It turns out she’s actually quite good at her job, sometimes._

Her dad and Celia decide to go and look for Ted as well, leaving her alone in their posh, clean house to help the guy fixing their kitchen. She’s glad of the distraction, being able to put herself to work. They make good progress over the afternoon, putting Celia’s precious cupboards back the way they were. 

Gillian wonders if Celia blames her, for the mess her kitchen has ended up in. 

_She’d been the cause of another argument again. This is you all over, Gillian. Always looking for a hand-out these days._

Maybe that’s why she offered to help out, putting things back together again. She starting to regret that decision though, the way the guy is looking at her from under the sink is not a good sign. He’s probably heard all about her _reputation._ He stands, wiping his hands on his shirt in a (probably practiced) way that shows her the muscles flexing across his stomach. 

It makes her feel sick.

_Probably not the reaction he was going for._

She excuses herself, well, more like she exits the room quite abruptly. Finding herself outside, she sits on the wall with a hammer still in her hand. Closing her eyes, the sun warms her face and a gentle breeze reminds her how much she’s rather be up at the farm, where the winds are stronger and everything seems more essential. _It’s too tranquil here._

“Any news on Ted?” Gillian jumps as Caroline’s voice comes from the phone in her hand. _Apparently she’d rung Caroline._

“Gillian?”

“Hi - yep, no. No news, I - I’m up at bungalow helping that bloke. Everyone else is out looking.” Gillian replies eventually, weariness seeping into her tone. 

She opens her eyes, and tries to ignore the guy again as he sends her a look while he’s taking the rubbish out. Gillian grips her phone tighter, familiar nausea rising from her gut.

“Ah right. Okay. Well, I wanted to run something past you - it’s, well - only if you’re comfortable with it. My head of english, it turns out, is in an abusive relationship and I told her if she ever needed anyone to talk to - well I thought of you.”

“Oh. Yeah, _poor bitch._ Yeah, give her my number. Or email - whatever’s easier for ‘er. Is - is he _hurting_ her?” Gillian squeezes her eyes shut again, breath trapped in her lungs.

“I don’t think so, it seems to just be verbal. He painted something on her car, everyone’s seen it. But no, well - it’s hard to tell, from the outside…” Caroline trails off, knowing that they’re venturing into dangerous territory.

Gillian is quiet for a moment, Caroline waits.

“I - uh, I won’t recommend _murder_ though.” Gillian lowers her voice, glancing around warily. 

“No. No that - _no.”_ Caroline splutters slightly, relieved as the tension seems to shift.

“S - so how’s things going for Dr Caz today? Any teenage angst-related drama?” Gillian asks, eager for a distraction.

Eddie’s in her head again, it’s not Caroline’s fault. It’s that bloke, and the way he’s looking at her. Eddie had that look in his eyes, _when he was drunk and he’d grab her and -_

“- and then I had to split up a fight in the yard about god knows what, so yes - a very busy day.” 

Gillian blinks, using the soft, _fond_ tone of Caroline’s voice to focus. She probably should’ve been listening, but she’ll most likely hear it all again later. 

“How about you, showing that bloke how it’s done?” 

Gillian winces, pulse hammering. 

“I - uh, yeah he’s alright. Knows what he’s doing, mostly. We’re about done here, just waiting around in case Ted comes back.”

Caroline senses the discomfort in Gillian’s voice, but doesn’t push. She’ll bring it up later.

She hears Gillian’s breath hitch on the other end.

“Ayup, Cheryl’s back.” Gillian murmurs.

“Ring me, if there’s any news.” 

-

Ted’s gone, and Gillian feels empty. She’s sat for a couple of hours, making tea for her dad and Celia and tolerating Cheryl. There’s a hollowness in her dad’s eyes, that she hasn’t seen since her mother died. _She shouldn’t think about her mother._

She begins to feel unnecessary, after a while. Kissing her dad’s forehead and giving Celia (an awkward) hug, she finds herself back in her land rover again. She should probably go back to the farm, where Calamity, Flora, Raff and Ellie are waiting. They can manage without her though, she’s not really needed there either. Apart from to feed the sheep.

Celia had rung Caroline earlier, with the news about Ted. Gillian had longed to talk to her, but was trapped by the lost look on her dad’s face. She didn’t really know what to say to him. He had begun to pick at her, probably a way to distract himself. 

“You’re looking tired.” He said again, eyes fixed to her face. She tried not to squirm under his gaze.

“Need to look after yourself better. Take some responsibility.” He continued. 

His words reminded her of one of their arguments, years ago. After she’d been a _bloody pillock_ and slept with John. She was a _disappointment._ He’d told her, how she’d broken her mother’s heart. _disappointment._

Celia had come back in the room, and taken pity on Gillian. Letting her give her excuses and leave.

She’s probably watching her - Celia - as she sits on their drive, she should probably make a decision about where she’s going. Gillian starts the juddering engine, and pulls away, not looking back at their perfect, clean bungalow.

It’s started to rain, hammering against the bonnet. She has the urge to pull over, and feel the rain on her skin. Her hands grip the wheel tighter, and she continues driving.

-

It’s been hours since her mother rang, and told her about Ted. She felt a little selfish that her first thoughts had been _poor Gillian._ Caroline sighed, and looked at her phone again. Gillian still hadn’t rang. With Flora up at the farm, she’s alone. 

Waiting for Gillian to call.

A familiar juddering sound pulls her from her thoughts, and she looks out into the rain. Gillian is leaning against the door of her land rover, a dull form slumped against the red. Caroline’s stomach clenches.

The rain continues to pelt, seeping into her bones. Gillian feels like she can’t move, though she made it this far. _Caroline deserves more than this._ Her jaw clenches, fists tight. She frowns, her right fist stings. 

Gillian sighs. The rain pours, and her hand is bleeding again. The pain is sharp, and her knuckles ache. She’s cold, _she deserves this._

Light pours from Caroline’s door, and warm arms envelop her. She shoves down the urge to push them away. The rain isn’t soaking her anymore, and she realises Caroline must’ve brought an umbrella out with her. 

Caroline’s slippers are getting wet, but nothing else matters.


	16. Chapter 16

“Hi Caz.” Gillian murmurs softly, the rain continuing to hammer on Caroline’s umbrella.

Caroline goes to gently grab her hand, before pausing in concern. She lifts Gillian’s hand gently, trying not to jolt her bloody knuckles.

“Are you coming in?” She prompts. Gillian nods, giving Caroline her uninjured hand and linking their fingers.

The warmth of Caroline buzzes against her skin.

Her hand throbs, and she’s soaked from the rain. Drips fall onto the carpet, _it’ll probably leave a stain. Bloody idiot._

Caroline leads her to the bathroom. She sits Gillian down on the edge of the bath, and fills the sink. Gillian’s hand is plunged into cold water that probably should have made her wince. Her eyes are fixed to Caroline though, watching her with an unreadable expression.

She doesn’t pull back when Caroline cleans the blood from her fist. Her eyes remain on Caroline. Gillian wants to ask Caroline about her day, wants to talk about _anything else,_ but her throat is too tight. 

Caroline’s fingers ghost over her knuckles, an unspoken question is traced against her skin.

“I - I _think_ I must’ve hit the landy - I can’t remember.” Gillian sighs.

Caroline is silent, her eyes calculating. She presses a kiss to Gillian’s knuckles, and goes to get some ice.

Gillian’s hands grip the edge of the bath, her right hand burning. Pain shoots down her arm. It feels like the time Eddie trapped her hand in one of the cupboard doors in the kitchen. _Smashing it again and again._

_It was her fault, his dinner wasn’t ready when he came in._

He’d made her tell her dad she’d caught it in one of the gates. _You should be more careful, Gillian._

She’s staring at her hand, when Caroline comes back into the bathroom. Caroline pauses by the door, wary of startling her. Gillian looks up as she clears her throat. 

“Are you alright?” Caroline whispers, crouching opposite Gillian and gently taking her hand again.

Gillian smiles gently, and Caroline cups her face with her free hand. The way Gillian closes her eyes and leans into the touch is a good sign. Her juddering breaths not so much.

“It - it made me think of when - when he - _Eddie,_ he trapped my hand when ‘is dinner were late. Couldn’t use it properly for weeks after. Told me dad I’d got it stuck in a gate - ” 

Gillian is surprised at how much she finds herself telling Caroline, and how _easy_ it is. Caroline’s heart breaks for Gillian again, her own hands trembling slightly.

“He said - _you should be more careful, Gillian_ \- that’s what me dad said.” Gillian’s voice rose in pitch, and her smile turned bitter at the memory.

“He never liked Eddie - Uncle Ted - ‘e thought he were a waste of space. Told me I should never’ve married ‘im. _Now he’s gone an’ all._ ”

Gillian slides down, joining Caroline on the bathroom floor. They sit together for a while.

_I’m sorry,_ Gillian wants to say, but she’s getting sick of her own apologies. Especially to Caroline, who deserves much more than this.

_I’m sorry,_ Caroline wants to say. She wants so much more for Gillian than memories of that horrific man. 

Instead, they make their way to the kitchen and Caroline puts the kettle on.

-

Caroline wakes later when her phone rings. Gillian stirs next to her, on the sofa. She bites her lip at the sight of Gillian’s tiny frame swamped in one of her jumpers. 

“Hello?” She answers, keeping her voice low and moving into the kitchen.

“Hello, love.” Celia replies, sounding weary.

“Hi mum, how’s Alan?” Caroline asks.

“He’s coping, I think. It is a bit of a relief, at least we know where he is. Even though he’s - well you know - ”

“Yes. Right.” 

“I was ringing to ask if you’d check on Gillian. She seemed upset when she left, and Alan said some things, well anyway - ”

“What kind of things?” Caroline tries not to sound angry.

“Just how tired she was looking, and how she should start taking some responsibility. He was upset about Ted obviously, but you know how she can take things personally sometimes.”

Caroline clenched her fists and bit her tongue.

“Right. Okay, I’ll see if she’s alright.” Caroline replies, her eyes finding Gillian’s form on the sofa.

“Thanks, love.”

“Give my love to Alan.”

She sighs as she puts the phone down. Gillian blinks at her from the sofa.

“Was that her ladyship?” She asks, her eyes looking a little brighter.

“Yes, that was my mother. She was asking me to check on you.”

“Oh - I’m honoured. I - Is me dad alright?”

“She says he’s coping, and he’s got her brilliant self to keep him company so he’ll be fine.”

Gillian seems unconvinced.

“He’ll be fine, Gillian.” Caroline repeats, as Gillian rises.

“I should probably head back to farm, before it’s late.” Gillian says.

Caroline watches her skeptically.

“I’ll be alright.” Gillian assures her. Their hands find each other.

“You need to pick up Madam Flora anyway.” Gillian murmurs into Caroline’s neck.

“She has had a lot of sleepovers recently.” Caroline agrees, which she regrets as she sees the guilt slide onto Gillian’s features.

She’s about to add something, to chase Gillian’s guilt away, but Gillian kisses her and everything else slides away.

-

It feels strange, driving in her own car as she follows Gillian’s land rover back up to the farm. She can just about make out Gillian’s form, sitting hunched over the wheel. Gillian had offered to drive and pick Flora up for her, then drive back to Caroline’s, and then back to the farm, but the logistics were getting complicated enough. 

She thinks back to the conversation she somewhat forced on Gillian earlier in the afternoon, before everything with Ted had happened. _Pool our resources._ She’d all but asked Gillian to move in with her, and Gillian _hadn’t exactly said no._ Days like this one would be so much easier if they lived together. She felt like a lovesick teenager every time Gillian left, every goodbye drawn out and painful as if they wouldn’t be seeing each other the very next day. 

Caroline tries not to think about how _good_ it would be, to come home to Gillian every day. She knew deep down, that Gillian couldn’t live in her house. Gillian belonged on the farm, where the wind whipped at her hair and the very landscape was etched into her bones. Caroline wonders what it would be like, to live on the farm with Gillian. It was a world away from how she lives in every aspect, _but Gillian would be there._

Caroline blinks as the land rover’s brake lights flash ahead of her. They begin the journey up the long track towards the farm. Gillian speeds ahead, knowing every bump of the landscape. Caroline isn’t far behind, she knows the track well too.

The house is full of noise when they get there. Raff and Ellie share a knowing smirk at the fact her and Gillian arrive together. Gillian gives her son a look, as if she’s daring him to say something. He presses a kiss to her forehead, and asks after his grandad. 

Flora runs towards her, clasping Caroline’s legs as if she hasn’t seen her for days. Caroline wraps her arms around her daughter, who chatters all about her day and plants sloppy kisses on her face. Gillian watches them with a soft smile, as Raff talks to her in a low voice.

“Are you alright mum? I was worried, after yesterday. You looked worn out, lucky Caz was here though…” He trails off, looking down at the bruised knuckles on his mother’s hand.

“And I’m sorry, about Uncle Ted… what have you done to your hand?” Raff whispers over Calamity’s head as she launches herself at her grandma.

“Well hello to you Calam - I - uh, I’ll tell you later.” She promises, scooping Calamity into her arms.

Her eyes link with Caroline’s across the room. Gillian winks, and smiles. _Maybe she’ll be okay._

Caroline leaves, and Gillian watches her go as Calamity sits on her knee. She can hear Raff and Ellie’s voices in the kitchen, _they’re probably talking about her._

She runs her fingers through Calamity’s hair, and tells her ( _again)_ the story of the sheep who ran away, which she definitely hasn’t made up. 

-

Ellie goes to put Calamity to bed, squeezing Gillian’s shoulder as she heads upstairs. Gillian offers her a soft, genuine smile.

She eases herself up on weary legs, heading towards the kitchen where she knows Raff is waiting. He’s sitting at the table, two mugs of tea steaming in front of him. Gillian sits opposite him, and covers his hands with hers.

“I’ve got some things I need to talk to you about.” She tells him, after a while.

“Things I should’ve told you, but I hoped I wouldn’t ‘ave to - but I owe you this much.”

Raff is silent, eyes alert as he nods. Gillian tries to breathe.

“It - it’s about your dad - well, yeah - _he,_ he’s the reason for a lot of shitty things. He - uh  _\- he used to knock me about Raff_ ,  I lived in fear - for _you_ _-_ and me,  every day  because of ‘im.”

_ I've shed blood in every room in this house. _

Her hands are shaking over his, and she feels his grip tighten. He looks angry, his jaw clenched like he used to as a teenager when she’d done something stupid again.

“And - and because of what he did, he’s _in my head_ sometimes - and I can’t - ” She breaks off, tears spilling down her face.

Raff moves quietly from his chair, slowly wrapping his arms around her with such gentleness. Her arms spread around his back, and she clings to him. 

She sobs into his shoulder, and he holds her. _He’s nothing like his father._

After a while he pulls back. She frowns at the soft smile on his face.

“So, what’s going on with you and Caz then?” He grins.


	17. Chapter 17

“So, what’s going on with you and Caz then?” 

Raff grins at her and finds herself trying not to blush.

“What d’you mean?” She mumbles, moving to grab her mug of tea.

It’s gone cold, but she drinks it anyway, with a grimace.

“You’re _wearing her jumper_ , mum.” 

_Shit._

“There’s - there’s nothing _goin’ on_ and - and even if there were, _which there’s not -_ I uh - ” She trails off, accepting that she’s not convincing anyone.

Raff covers her hand again.

“It’s alright mum, I want you to be happy. And our Caz is good for you, isn’t she?” 

Gillian nods slowly, and looks at her son. _He’ll never be anything like his father._

“Are you alright?” She asks him. 

_She’s just ruined his life, telling him about his father. She should have kept protecting him from it._

Raff sighs.

“Never thought I’d ‘ave to tell you, _wanted to protect you from it - ”_

_“_ I’m glad you’ve told me mum. And I’m sorry - that _he - ”_ Raff grimaces, and she places a gentle hand on his arm.

“Did me grandad know? An’ Robbie, is that _why - ”_

Raff’s eyes widen, _they don’t talk about Robbie._ Gillian winces, she’s not thought of Robbie since that night. _He threw her mother’s plates at her._

“Your grandad doesn’t know, an’ I’d like to keep it that way. _I don’t think he knows -_ he might’ve had an inklin’ I weren’t happy but - I don’t know. An’ Robbie, he - uh, he found out later. I told ‘im before we got wed, he were always so fond of Eddie - ”

“Robbie hurt you, didn’t he? That night - I rang Catherine after I came home, and you were at Caroline’s. There were smashed plates and blood in kitchen.” Raff stops when she closes her eyes.

“Yeah he did.” She says softly. 

Raff stiffens.

“It’s my fault.” He says, and she snaps her eyes open.

“How d’you work that one out?” She asks, incredulous without trying to sound angry.

“Well, I wanted you an’ Robbie to - I wanted you to get wed.”

“I didn’t marry Robbie because of you, love. It - it was guilt I think, I always thought I should’ve stuck wi’ him when we were teenagers. I thought he’d make me happy, or at least _half-way there._ I should never’ve married ‘im, but it were my decision and not your fault, alright?”

Raff nods. Sipping his own cold tea with a grimace matching hers.

“Does Caroline know?” He decides to risk asking.

“Yeah, she - she were the first person I could ever talk to about it. Other than Catherine and her sister, that is. Yeah _Caroline -_ Caroline knows everything.”

Raff watches the way his mother’s face changes as she mentions Caroline.

“Y - you can tell Ellie, if you want. It’s a big thing to handle, on your own. I trust her.” She tells him, and he squeezes her hand again.

They sit in silence for a while longer, the kitchen growing dark around them.

“There’s something I needed to talk to you about to.” Raff says, with a serious tone that still takes Gillian by surprise.

“Me an’ Ellie, we’ve been looking at flats. An’ we’ve found one, down in Ripponden. We’ve got enough for a deposit.” He continues, eyes flickering nervously over her face.

“Ripponden? Isn’t that a bit - _dull_ for you young folk?” She grins. He laughs quietly.

“Are you sure you’d be alright - with farm, on your own?” He asks her.

She thinks back to her conversation with Caroline earlier. _Pool our resources._ She’d basically asked her to move in. _Would Caroline cope with living on a farm?_

“I’d be fine, love. Long as you’re not moving a million miles away - which _Ripponden definitely isn’t._ Don’t you worry about me - there was - something Caroline said the other morning - _anyway,_ I’ll be alright.” She gets her mouth to stop talking before she says too much.

Raff gives her a knowing look, a hug, and a kiss to the forehead. Then he heads upstairs.

Gillian sits alone in the kitchen, a small smile on her face. 

_Eddie won’t ruin this._

_-_

The next morning, Gillian wakes slowly. Her fingers ghost over the empty side of the bed, and she finds herself wondering what it would be like to wake up to Caroline every morning. She grins at the thought, and rolls her eyes at herself. _Bloody idiot._

She pulls herself out of bed. It’s barely light outside, but she’s got sheep to feed. Her hand finds Caroline’s jumper as she heads to the bathroom, impossibly soft wool under her fingers. She leaves it folded over her chair, wondering if she can get away with never returning it.

Gillian heads out to the sheep.

-

She drops Calamity off at school, and is disappointed that she doesn’t see Caroline. Calamity runs towards Flora in the yard, so she must have just missed her.

Gillian has a bit of time, in between farm duties. 

She finds herself driving up to the cemetery, to visit her mum. Pushing down the rising guilt at not having visited for a while, she slowly makes her way up past the church.

She doesn’t look at Eddie’s name.

Instead, her fingers trace the letters of her mother’s name. She sits down gently, and takes a breath.

“Hi mum. I - I’ve got something to tell you.” She begins, her voice low and shaky.

The wind pulls gently at her hair, leaves spinning on the path behind her.

“There’s a woman - well, dad’ll have told you, _Caroline -_ she’s Celia’s daughter. I wish you could’ve met her, mum - you’d have loved her. I do. That’s the thing - _I love her, mum._ It’s a bit complicated, I know - but - s - she makes me _happy._ ” Gillian smiles into the wind, tears in her eyes.

She updates her mother on Raff, Ellie and all the rest. 

After a while, she rises. Placing a hand over her mother’s name, she continues down the path that winds behind the church. She’s still got a bit of time.

Walking among the graves, Gillian is lost in thought until she sees a familiar figure.

_It’s Catherine._ Hunched over - _god, it must be Becky’s -_

Gillian isn’t sure what to do. Catherine’s eyes are closed, her face raw. Gillian’s eyes flick over to the headstone and the date. _It’s Becky’s birthday._

She swallows, and clears her throat.

“Hi Catherine. I - I can go if you want, I’ve - I’ve just been visiting me mum.” She says quietly.

Catherine opens her eyes slowly, and looks up at her wearily. She shakes her head, silently. Gillian moves closer, and sits down in the grass with Catherine.

Wordlessly, she gives Catherine her hand. She accepts it, and they sit.

-

Caroline’s day has been hectic so far, as usual. She’s in her office, finally having enough time for a coffee and some paperwork. Checking her phone, she frowns. _Three texts from Clare._

She’d forgotten Clare even had her number. Caroline notices the date, and - _Becky’s birthday._

Clare’s messages tell her she’s worried about Catherine - and ask if either her or Gillian know where she is. _Oh god, how could she have forgotten?_

She rings Clare.

“Hello.” Clare answers on the second ring, Caroline scrambles for something to say.

“Hello, Clare. Sorry I’ve only just got your messages, I can text Gillian and see if she knows anything, or do you have her number?” 

“Yeah - no, well - I’ve got your Gillian’s number from before - years ago - when she used to come for a chat at the missionary where I work sometimes, after - well, _you know - ”_

Caroline hadn’t known that. 

_Your Gillian._

“She’s not replied to my text yet though.” Clare continues.

Caroline wonders how many meetings she can get away with cancelling.

“I - I have some ideas of where she might - but, I just thought I’d - ”

“Okay, how about I come and help? I’ve got a couple of hours between meetings.” Caroline offers gently.

“Are you sure? I know your busy, wi’ your school and things - ”

“Clare, you’re my _family.”_


	18. Chapter 18

Gillian continues to grasp Catherine’s hands as the wind whips around them. It’s getting colder. Catherine shifts slightly on the grass, still leaning heavily with her back to Becky’s gravestone. Gillian wonders if she can bring herself to look at her daughter's name, even after all this time.

“Do you - could you tell be about her? If you want - ” Gillian asks softly.

Catherine closes her eyes, and - to both of their surprise - starts talking.

-

“Is there anywhere else we’ve not thought of?” Caroline asks Clare, who sits in her passenger seat with her hands hidden in her sleeves.

Clare looks down at her hands, and sighs. She looks defeated.

“She’ll be with our Becky, up at cemetery - _I should’ve thought -_ oh shit - ” Clare’s eyes widen as she realises the time.

“I - uh - I’ll have to get back to pick our Ryan up from school.” She mutters, slumping further into the seat.

“Oh, right. Yes - well, I can go and see if I can find Catherine. I can try and get her to ring you.” Caroline says, eyes flicking back from the road to Clare.

“Are you sure? I mean - d’you not have meetings, and big head teacher things to be doing?” Clare asks, with a small smile which Caroline returns.

“It’s no problem, _really._ I’m sure they’ll cope without me. Where do you want to be dropped off?

-

Caroline has been to the cemetery on the hill a couple of times. 

Twice for Becky, alone on the hill.

Once for Gillian, on her mother’s birthday. She’d given Gillian space, watching her from a distance as she traced her mother’s name.

This time, she blinks in surprise at the sight of Gillian’s land rover parked by the church.

_Gillian is here._ Just the thought of the other woman’s presence makes something hurtle through her veins. 

Her heels echo across the hill as she makes her way up the path. She doesn’t look at Eddie’s name as she passes.

The wind picks up as she reaches the other side. She looks to where she knows her niece’s grave sits, the thought of her in the ground still makes her feel sick. Her heart breaks for Catherine, who is huddled against the stone. Gillian is with her, leaning close. They’re talking quietly, and Caroline feels like she’s intruding.

She could never get Catherine to talk about Becky. Eventually, she’d given up and resented herself for it. It seemed that Gillian had succeeded where she had failed. _god, she loves Gillian._

Gillian seems to sense her. She lifts her head and turns, giving Caroline a surprised look that morphs gorgeously into a soft smile. Gillian says something to Catherine, who turns and watches her walk towards them. 

“Hi Caz.” Gillian says, still holding Catherine’s hands.

“Hello Gillian, Catherine. Me and Clare have been ringing you - _both of you.”_ Caroline greets them.

“Ooh. I - uh - well, me phone is - ” Gillian lets go of Catherine’s hands in order to pat her pockets.

Caroline and Catherine laugh quietly, as Gillian’s brow furrows in confusion. 

“ _Shit._ Ah - must’ve left it - _somewhere._ Shit - what time is it Caz?” Gillian stumbles.

“It’s half past two.” She watches the woman she loves, with humour dancing in her eyes.

“Shit.” Gillian says again. Catherine laughs as if she hasn’t for weeks. Caroline rolls her eyes.

“Aren’t you meant to be picking your granddaughter up - oh, and _my daughter?_ ” 

Gillian gulps. S _hit._

“Right - well, I best be on me way. I’ll uh - leave you two to - ” Gillian waves her arms whilst walking backwards.

“Bye Gillian, and _thank you.”_ Catherine says, the hollowness of her eyes reducing (slightly).

“I’ll ring you - if - if I find me phone.” Gillian aims at Caroline, before her with another soft smile and turning to run back up the hill with a surprising speed.

Caroline sighs, and takes Gillian’s place next to Catherine.

“Clare’s worried about you.” Caroline says softly, watching Catherine as she shrugs a little. There’s an overwhelming guilt in her eyes.

“She’s got enough going on, without me being all.. _shit_ with ‘er.” Catherine replies, gesturing with her hand.

“How about you be shit with me instead?” Caroline replies. 

They share a look, like they used to.

-

The next day, it’s Saturday and Gillian is in the kitchen. Celia and Alan chat with Ellie and Raff in the living room as she makes dinner. Calamity runs into her legs, making her stumble. Before she can grumble at her granddaughter, Calamity lets loose a squeal which alerts her to the fact that Caroline must have arrived with Flora.

Gillian wonders how Caroline got on with Catherine, whether she’d built any bridges with her cousin. She finds herself wondering what Caroline is wearing, as she hears Caroline greeted by everyone as she enters the living room. Her mind is flung back to the soft jumper that still sits in her bedroom, and the way the wool felt underneath her fingers. Almost as soft as Caroline’s skin.

Gillian realises she’s holding a pan. She’s burnt her hand. _Bloody idiot._

She releases the pan with a grimace and a clang and a _shit_ under her breath. No one in the living room seems to notice. She’s running her hand under cold water when Caroline comes into the kitchen.

“Hello.” Caroline calls out, probably for the benefit of the people in the living room, as if she’s reminding them that Gillian is there. 

Gillian is hunched over the sink. Caroline moves closer, until their bodies meet.

“Hello, darling.” She murmurs into Gillian’s ear, pressing a kiss to her cheek before retreating to an appropriate distance before anyone notices.

“Hi.” Gillian says, with a grin. She turns around, hand still under the tap.

“Burnt my hand.” Gillian explains, as Caroline raises her eyebrows.

“Idiot.” She says, with fondness.

“It - it’s your fault.”

“My fault?”

“Yeah - you and your lovely voice distracted me.” Gillian lowers her voice.

Caroline chuckles, and moves to help Gillian with dinner - not before pulling out ( _multiple)_ bottles of wine from her immaculate handbag and pouring them both a generous glass.

“How was Catherine yesterday, after I left?” Gillian asks, after a pause.

“She’s struggling I think, but that shouldn’t be a surprise really. She’s been through the unimaginable.”

She edges closer to Gillian.

“You really helped her, Gillian. She told me you’d been great. She’s never been able to talk about Becky, other than with Clare.”

Gillian looks a little uncomfortable, and unsure. 

“She just looked so _lost_ Caz, when I saw ‘er. I were there to see me mum, an’ I saw Catherine wi’ Becky - ”

They stand for a moment, chopping vegetables in silence. 

“Did you manage to find your phone?” Caroline asks, eyes sparkling.

“Mmm. Oh - yeah, it were under the seat in tractor somehow - _god knows how it got there_.” Gillian laughs.

Caroline watches Gillian laugh, and decides it’s the most wonderful sound she has ever heard. Gillian’s eyes meet hers, laughter escapes Caroline’s own lips as Gillian wiggles her eyebrows and treats her to a wink and a grin. She snorts into her wine glass.

“Oh. There’s news.” Gillian says suddenly, remembering her conversation with Raff.

“Go on.” Caroline urges, gently and warily.

“Me an’ Raff - t’other night, we ‘ad a chat. Him and Ellie ‘ave found a flat in Ripponden, and they’ve enough for a deposit.” 

“ _Ripponden._ Really?”

“That’s what I said.”

“Wow.”

“Yeah. I know - just, yeah they’re telling everyone over dinner.”

_But she’d wanted to tell Caroline first._

“How do you feel about it?” Caroline asks softly, her words from earlier in the week echoing.

_Pool our resources._ This was an opportunity.

“Well - I knew it were coming, was bound to happen eventually. It’s - it’s interesting timing though, isn’t it?” Her eyes burrow into Caroline’s.

“We’re going to have to have another _conversation_ soon.” Caroline replies with a smirk.

Gillian smiles softly again. 

“Was there any other news?” Caroline probes, watching Gillian carefully. Gillian looks into her wine glass for the answer.

“I - I told ‘im - Raff - about Eddie, about what he did. _Not about what I did,_ but what Eddie did.” Gillian murmurs, her voice low as her eyes flit to the oblivious people sitting in her living room.

Caroline’s eyes widen slightly.

“Oh.” She says.

“Yeah.”

“How did - was he alright?” Caroline asks, observing the increasing tension in Gillian’s jaw.

“He were angry, _not at me_ \- I don’t think, but he - he were blaming himself for what happened wi’ Robbie. _Thinks I only got wed again for ‘im_ , but - that weren’t why. I - yeah, he might - I said he could tell Ellie, I can trust her. I just - I never want me dad knowing, he should never have to know. Never thought I’d have to tell Raff but - but I had to explain why everything was _doing my head in_ that night - ” Gillian breaks off as she finds herself rambling.

Caroline puts a hand on her arm.

-

Gillian wishes she was sat next to Caroline. Instead, she is in between two very excited children, Ellie (who keeps glancing at her with what is probably pity), Raff sits further down, Alan and Celia are next to each other (of course), but _Caroline,_ Caroline sits at the other end of the table. She’s opposite Gillian, and keeps watching her with such a fond look that Gillian has to look down at the table. 

She ends up engrossed in a heated discussion with Flora and Calamity about which sheep is the best instead. _At least she doesn’t have to talk to her dad or Celia._ She’s been unintentionally (or maybe just subconsciously) avoiding her dad since she told Raff what Eddie did. Part of her just wants to scream every vivid detail at her father, but she’s not sure that would be good for his heart, or hers. He’s barely talked to her, and seems to be avoiding her gaze. She notices, for a moment, him watching her with a horribly familiar expression on his face. The one he wore to tell her she was a _disappointment,_ the one that judged her when all that _stupid_ stuff happened with _bloody_ Paul. He’d worn that face when he’d told Celia in front of her about her having an abortion _when she was fifteen._

She’s not sure why he’s wearing it now, but she’s sure she’ll find out before the end of the meal.

Alan seems to contain himself - surprisingly - until dinner is finished and she’s clearing the plates away. Flora and Calamity run off again, and Celia is chatting to Caroline.

Alan looks at his daughter, and her skin bristles. He clears her throat and she pauses, plates in her hands.

“Dad?” She prompts, trying not to wince. Caroline can see the tension in her shoulders, and watches the exchange warily. Celia notices too, and looks to Alan in confusion.

“We popped in - me and Celia - yesterday, you were out the whole day. You’re not - you’re not getting yourself mixed up with some poor bloke again, are you Gillian?” He says.

Raff drops his fork.

“What - what? No, I - ” Gillian stammers, closing her eyes as Raff stands from his seat. His chair scrapes and he trembles with rage. Gillian turns to calm him, but his eyes are fixed on his grandad.

“You have no right, judging her! How - how dare you, after _everything,_ how can you say that grandad? You never did anything, when _me dad_ \- ” Raff breaks off, Gillian’s eyes widen at what he was about to say.

She glances over at Caroline, who seems just as shocked as she feels. Numbly, she pushes her hands against Raff’s fuming chest and guides him outside. She doesn’t look at her dad, who is receiving a variety of glares from the women remaining at the table. Even Celia shakes her head at him. The door slams behind Gillian as her and Raff’s voices mix with the cold air.

The table is quiet, and tense.

“She was up at the cemetery yesterday, visiting Eileen. Catherine was there with Becky, Gillian was helping her - _she sat with her for hours, Alan.”_ Caroline tries (unsuccessfully) not to raise her voice.

Celia clenches her jaw, knowing what the date had been the day before. _Poor Catherine._

Alan looks bewildered, as if someone else had created the mess he now found himself in.

“What did our Raff mean - _I didn’t do anything about his dad -_ what about?” He asks. The remaining occupants of the table refuse to make eye contact.

Caroline picks up the plates discarded by Gillian. She takes them to the kitchen, watching through the window as Gillian tries to calm her raging son. He dwarfs her now, as she leans up to put her hands on his shoulders. Towering above her, he leans into her arms and she pulls him into a hug. Caroline sighs.

“What did Eddie do?” Alan demands from the table, his voice uncharacteristically sharp.


	19. Chapter 19

Gillian can feel Raff’s anger rolling off his chest. She reaches up and strokes a hand through his hair like she used to when he was little. _He’s a lot taller now._ He closes his eyes, his jaw still set firmly.

After a while, she’s wishing she brought a jacket out with her. Raff hugs her tight, tighter than he ever has. He looks at her, as if he’s understanding her and all her _bloody stupid_ decisions and failures for the first time. The lingering guilt still colours his pupils.

“I’m sorry, mum. You didn’t want grandad knowing, and now - ” He mutters, eyes moving to the gravel under their feet.

“Raff.” She gets him to look at her.

“It - it’s alright, I understand why you nearly - yeah. Maybe I was stupid, thinking I’d never have to tell him - ” Gillian breaks off, wrapping her arms around her son again.

He sighs. A gentle smile pulls at her lips.

“When did you get so tall?” She mutters into his jumper. He laughs.

“Maybe you’re just shrinking, in yer old age.” He replies, ducking when she tries to swat him.

“ _Excuse me, young man.”_ She tries to scold him, without much success.

They pause, watching the landscape. It pours out before their eyes, expanding until it is all that is visible. 

“I - I think Caz wants us to live together. I mean - _how would that work?_ I couldn’t really go to ‘er, and can you really imagine Caroline - _Caroline_ \- living here on farm?” Gillian bursts out suddenly.

_Oops._

Raff grins. 

“I think she’d be able to cope mum, _for you.”_ Raff replies, a childish excitement spreading across his face.

“I’ll have to get ‘er some wellies.” Gillian ponders, before Raff starts laughing again and she joins him. 

“ _Oh God,_ what’s happened now?” An amused voice floats from behind them. Caroline emerges from the house, bringing Gillian’s jacket with her.

Raff and Gillian’s laughter stops, they look at her as she makes her way over to them _in her fancy boots._ Gillian shares a look with her son, who struggles to suppress a snort. She bites her lip, grinning at the thought of _Caroline_ living on the farm. _Would she do that?_

Caroline looks between them, with her suspicious headteacher face on. She’s glad to see Gillian smiling, even if she does appear to be laughing at her.

Raff gives his mum’s hand a squeeze, apologises again, and heads back inside. He ignores Alan, not looking at his grandad as he makes his way upstairs to find Ellie. Alan moves slightly to go after him, but Celia stops him with a firm arm. 

Gillian shrugs on her jacket, relieved at the warmth. She smiles at Caroline’s thoughtfulness.

“Go on then, what were you laughing at?” Caroline (unsuccessfully) tries to hide her eagerness to find out. She moves closer to Gillian, so that their arms are touching.

“Hmm, wouldn’t you like to know?” Gillian grins, bumping her arm against Caroline’s.

Caroline glares at her. Gillian laughs. _It’s a gorgeous sound._

“It were - uh - jus’ the thought of you, _in wellies - ”_ Gillian manages, before snorting (like her son) at the image.

Caroline bites her lip. _hmm._

“You never know, Gillian. Some people are worth such sacrifices.” She murmurs.

Gillian grins again.

“Do - do you really think - could you really live up ‘ere?” Gillian’s eyes are wide and vulnerable.

“For you, Gillian, I can live anywhere. I’m not just saying that, I have thought this through.”

“Really?”

“Really.”

“We’ll have to get you some wellies then.” Gillian’s lips are starting to ache from grinning.

Caroline chuckles, and looks down at her feet. She’s wearing her _casual boots._ The look Gillian gives her suggests they might not be considered casual. Gillian links her hand with Caroline’s, and takes a deep breath.

“I’m gonna have to tell him - me dad - aren’t I?” She’s not looking at Caroline anymore.

Her eyes search the landscape instead, as if it’ll scream the answer back at her.

“I’m not sure there’s any other option.” Caroline replies, watching Gillian’s jaw clench.

“I - I was so _bloody stupid_ to think I’d never have to tell ‘im - but telling Raff, it felt - it felt _shit_ but now it’s _better. I want to be better, Caz.”_ Gillian’s lip begins to tremble, and she finds herself wrapped in Caroline’s arms.

She wonders if her dad or Celia are watching from inside, then decides she doesn’t care anymore.

“Since I’m dropping one bombshell…” She mumbles into Caroline’s shoulder.

“Mmm?” Caroline prompts her, smiling into Gillian’s hair at the thought of what she thinks ( _hopes)_ the other woman is about to say.

“I think we should tell ‘em, about our _this -_ y’know, how I’m great and you love me so much you’re considering wearing actual wellies - an’ how I think you’re great too an’ I love you - ” Gillian breaks off as Caroline starts laughing.

“Oi, you - I’m bearing me heart ‘ere!” Gillian tries to look offended.

“You speak so eloquently, darling.” Caroline responds, after she’s recovered.

Her thumbs trace over Gillian’s knuckles, moving gently over the bruised areas.

“Are you ready?"

-

Celia watches them, as they come back to the house. She smiles slightly, in a way that looks a little like a grimace but was intended as a smile. The way Caroline holds Gillian suggests that they’ve finally worked it out. _Took them long enough, the dozy sods._

Alan is still fidgeting, sitting next to her. They’ve moved from the table to the sofa. He’s muttering to himself, things she’s long since given up trying to interpret. It’ll all come out eventually, things always do. The door opens, and she puts a hand on Alan’s knee.

Gillian enters first, her shoulders returning to their usual state of tenseness. Caroline follows, their hands no longer linked. Gillian stops in front of them, hands fidgeting in the sleeves of her jacket.

“Right.” She says, closing her eyes for a moment. Alan speaks before Celia can stop him.

“You would’ve told me, would you love? If - if he were hurting you, you would’ve - ”

Gillian looks at him sharply, and he stops. His mouth hangs for a moment. Gillian’s face softens.

“You knew I were unhappy dad - surely you must’ve known I were unhappy.” Gillian replies, eyes fixed to her father’s face.

“I - ” Alan falters. Celia sighs.

“He did dad - he - he knocked me about, for _years._ Right in front of your eyes, it were. An’ yes, I didn’t tell you, but how - how could I when I’d already _disappointed_ you so much - ”

Gillian’s hands clench, and she starts pacing. 

Alan looks as if he’s about to deny ever calling his daughter a _disappointment._ He decides against it.

“You - you should’ve told me, Gillian. What about your mother, did you tell her at least?” He stutters, desperation in his eyes.

“I - I couldn’t tell _you_ dad, of course I couldn’t tell me _mum - ”_ Gillian’s voice raises slightly.

“How - how bad was - ” Alan stops, unsure.

“Do you really want to know?” Gillian asks him. 

Alan hesitates. Gillian sighs. _He can’t ignore it anymore._

“It were bad, dad. For years - _years -_ I lived in fear, every time he walked through that door. Every time he got back from the pub an’ his tea weren’t ready. Every time you visited, if you’d said something he didn’t like. _Every time he were bored._ Every time Raff made too much noise when he were small. _Every time he wanted to_ \- _”_ Gillian breaks off again, breathing heavily. 

_I’ve shed blood in every room of this house._

She doesn’t finish her sentence, hoping her dad can fill in the gaps. The paleness of his face suggests he can.

“ _You should take better care of yourself,_ that’s what you said dad. Every time when I told you I’d trapped me hand in a gate, or walked into a cupboard or burnt me hand on the stove, or - ” Gillian decides to stop.

She’s feeling sick again. Bile rises in her throat. She swallows, she can’t look at her dad. There are tears in Celia’s eyes, and Gillian struggles to comprehend it. She can feel the intensity of Caroline’s gaze without turning around. Her heart is hammering. Thudding against her ribs.

_Ribs, some of which Eddie broke. Shit._

The bile rises again, and she stumbles into the kitchen. She can feel his hands on her, as she throws up in the sink. 

Caroline follows her, cautiously. She calls Gillian’s name softly, to break her from her thoughts.

“Can I touch you?” She asks Gillian. _tenderly._

Gillian lets out a combination of a laugh and a sob, and goes for a nod instead. Thoughts of Eddie retreat as Caroline wraps gentle arms around her back. They probably have an audience, in the living room, but that doesn’t matter anymore.

Gillian leans into her, breaths shuddering.

“I’m proud of you.” Caroline murmurs into her ear. 

A glass of water is pressed into Gillian’s hand, and they both look up to see Celia. She’d left Alan to absorb things, alone on the sofa.

“I’m sorry, love. For all of it, and for some of the things I’ve said, over the years.” Celia says, looking weary.

Both Gillian and Caroline blink in surprise. _Only some of the things?_ Caroline wants to reply.

Gillian turns from the sink, grasping the glass tightly. One of Caroline’s arms remains around her, Celia doesn’t comment.

“Thank you, Celia.” Gillian’s voice is raw. She sips at the water in her hand.

Caroline wonders when her mother is going to comment on their closeness. 

“I’m glad you two have finally worked things out.” Celia gestures between them.

Gillian coughs, and Caroline raises her eyebrows.

“It’s taken you idiots long enough.” She adds, before wandering back into the living room.

Gillian looks at Caroline with wide eyes.

_Oh._


	20. Chapter 20

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here's a little epilogue which is setting some other things in motion.. ;)

Caroline nurses her mug of tea, as she looks out into the rain. She’s missing Gillian’s warmth, but is reluctant to venture out into the downpour. Instead, she sits by the window watching her wife occasionally make an appearance as she trudges from the barn or across the field. 

_She’s much happier inside._

It still feels strange, she’ll admit, being married to Gillian. She never thought she’d get married again, after Kate. This was happiness though, and she knew they both deserved it. She likes to think Kate would approve. Flora loves Gillian as much as Caroline does. 

It’s quiet in the house today. It’s Saturday, and Flora is with Calamity down in Ripponden with Ellie and Raff. Caroline is glad for the peace, though Alan and her mother will probably pop over soon. Maybe the rain will hold, and deter them from making the trip. She can hope.

She looks out the window again, and watches fondly as Gillian whistles at her very old and reluctant sheepdog. Caroline observes her wife, revelling in the way the rain has made Gillian’s jeans cling to the curves of her legs. 

It makes Caroline’s mind wander, and she indulges it. _Back to Hebden Women’s Disco._

_“I know what we need.” Gillian had said, it must have been two years ago now._

_“I am not going to Hebden Women’s Disco.” Caroline had rolled her eyes in response, pulling Gillian closer. It was Ted’s wake, of all places. Gillian was on her lap, which had raised a few eyebrows._

_Caroline wasn’t sure why she agreed to going, but the grin on Gillian’s face was worth it. As was the gorgeous sight of Gillian’s legs in that dress. She’d persuaded Caroline to dance with her, after (quite) a few drinks. Caroline couldn’t help but notice the amount of familiar looks Gillian was getting._

_“I - uh - might’ve been before, couple of times.” Gillian shouted into her ear in response to her unspoken question. Caroline raised her eyebrows, and Gillian blushed._

_She pulled Gillian closer, and they swayed slowly._

_They had found themselves at a table, when Caroline’s feet had started to hurt. Gillian bit back a comment about her choice of footwear._

_Someone brushed past behind Gillian, and throwing a wink and a “Hi Gillian” back over her shoulder. Gillian blushed again, maybe this hadn’t been the best place to take Caroline._

_She had looked back over to Caroline, who had placed her hands over Gillian’s._

_“It seems you’ve got quite a few fans.” Caroline chuckled, soothly Gillian’s nerves._

_Gillian laughed._

_“I’ll just have to show them that you’re mine.” Caroline lowered her voice, before wrapping a hand around the back of Gillian’s neck and pressing their lips together._

The phone rings, and Caroline is pulled from her thoughts. She sighs, and grins, and heads for the phone. _God knows where Gillian has left it._

She finds it eventually, under a pile of her marking. 

“Hello?”

“Hello, is Gillian there?” An unfamiliar voice asks, sounding vaguely London-ish.

“She’s just outside at the moment, can I ask who’s calling?” Caroline responds, curious.

“Ah, of course she is - yeah, it’s Jane - Jane Oliver.”

Caroline pretends to know who that is, and heads over to the front door.

“Gillian?” She hollers, into the rain.

Gillian’s head pops out from the barn. Rain pours in her eyes as she squints at Caroline, who seems to be mouthing something at her. She chuckles, and trudges through the mud towards her wife.

She’s not had a wife before - she’s only ever had husbands, not that they are even worth comparing to Caroline. It’s definitely good for her, being married to Caroline. _In fact, it’s bloody marvellous._

“Who is it?” She asks Caroline, as she spots the phone in Caroline’s hand.

“Jane Oliver.” Caroline replies, curious but not suspicious.

Surprise flits over Gillian’s face and for a moment she looks uncomfortable, and nervous. Then she grins, and presses a kiss to Caroline’s cheek. Caroline winces as she’s splashed by the rain dripping from Gillian. To say she is confused would be an understatement.

Gillian shakes herself off a bit, and takes the phone gently from Caroline. The look in her eyes promising to fill her in later.

“Hello, Jane? Yeah, it’s me. I’m great, thanks - yeah, that was my lovely wife Caroline, you remember?” Gillian shoots Caroline another grin, and Caroline rolls her eyes (fondly).

She watches Gillian, who is listening intently with increasingly widening eyes.

“You what? No way - uh huh. Oh shit, _shit._ What happened with uh, the girl - Linh, was it?” Gillian keeps talking. 

Caroline observes the worry weighing down her wife’s brow. She’s pacing in the doorway, still in her wellies.

“She what? A murder investigation?” Gillian’s voice rises, and if Caroline had still been grasping her mug, it would’ve dropped to the floor.

“Right. Hmm - oh _shit. Fuck -_ that’s not - yeah. He really said that, after everything you - hmm. Yeah - hang on, doesn’t he have a boyfriend? Bit of a hypocrite then, eh? Oh okay. So what’s the plan then? Jane, you’ve always got a plan.”

There’s a pause. Gillian keeps pacing.

Gillian stops.

“Really? Up here?.” She locks eyes with Caroline.

“I suppose. There’s a lot of folk up here might need some vicar-ly guidance.” Gillian laughs.

“No it - it wouldn’t be weird. Well, maybe - I dunno, me dad _might_ \- it’s been so long though, maybe. Okay, no yeah - uh. Right. Wow, that’s soon - yeah, they must be eager to get rid of you.” Gillian winces at her own words, and runs a hand through her hair.

“Sorry. Yeah, alright. I’ll speak to you soon, okay? An’ I’m sorry for everything, you know - yeah, alright. Bye. Bye.” Gillian’s shoulders slump.

She places the phone by the window, where she’ll probably forget it later. She sighs.

Sitting down on the floor, she leans against the open door and watches the rain. Caroline sits next to her. Gillian’s hands find hers. Caroline watches her carefully, _she looks worried._

“So. Who’s Jane Oliver?” She asks, gently.

Gillian bites her lip, and turns to look at Caroline.

“She- she’s me cousin. On me mother’s side, she’s a vicar down in London. Well, she was - she’s being _transferred_ up ‘ere. Apparently we’re in need of a vicar. She - well she got involved with this girl, and ‘er bishop weren’t pleased - _bloody hypocrite -_ so - ” Gillian’s mind spins.

“Hang on, your cousin is a lesbian vicar?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for reading, and for all the lovely comments. 
> 
> I'm planning to continue this in part 2, at some point - which I will hopefully get around to soon! xx


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